When I finished my studies and returned to my quarters, Bin was busy preparing Narae’s food. Seeing me come in with both hands full of sheets covered in Chinese characters, she hurried over and greeted me.
“You seem to have finished quite late today.”
“…Since I’m not memorising well, our study sessions keep getting longer.”
“My lady… please feel free to speak to me comfortably now.”
“Ah…”
“It’s both amazing and delightful to see His Majesty personally teaching you how to read and write.”
“…Is that so? I’ll take my time with my words. I’m just… not really used to it yet.”
“I understand! My lady! If you are hungry, shall I bring you some yakgwa? Last time, you seemed to enjoy them...”
“Alright, then just a few, please.”
At my words, Bin quickly ran off with a genuinely cheerful expression. Whenever I saw Bin, I couldn’t entirely stop thoughts of Sucheong from arising, and yet remembering her made my heart ache unbearably. I forced myself to shake my head and went to the flower garden for a brief moment of fresh air.
The flower garden I had requested on a whim had lately become a cosy little spot, almost like a café, whenever I wanted to catch some fresh air.
It was hard to see clearly at night, but seeing the flowers that never withered and were always in bloom, I thought the palace soil must be particularly fertile.
Rustle, rustle.
I wasn’t yet used to the darkness here without bright electric lights, so I stayed close by while admiring the flowers when I suddenly heard footsteps that weren’t my own.
Sometimes, when I was here, I could catch sight of passing courtiers, so I looked up, thinking it must be one of them, but my gaze lingered on a rather dark silhouette.
The figure walked hunched over, as if she were someone who shouldn’t be in the palace, and she wore the same cloth over her face that I had used to cover my hair.
She might think that no one could see her, but I could see her clearly. Perhaps it was true what they said about the palace having more unseen eyes than one realised.
Who could she be, hurrying along with her face covered like that?
Swish.
“!”
Ever since the king had become gentler, there were few moments that surprised me enough to make me forget to breathe. In fact, the palace was starting to feel a little more comfortable than before.
However, when a sudden gust of wind lifted the cloth and revealed the woman’s face, I stared blankly, forgetting even to breathe.
Every hair on my body stood on end, from head to toe.
White hair and pale eyes.
The elderly woman, whom I had never even dreamed I would see in the palace, was right in front of me, though still at a distance.
The chill that had made my hair stand on end quickly turned into a burning heat. My fists clenched tightly, and not knowing where I was going, I started running, leaving Bin, who had promised to bring me some yakgwa, behind.
I failed to meet her last time in the forest, so I wasn’t going to miss the chance this time.
My loud footsteps echoed through the quiet palace.
But it didn’t matter. How that elderly woman had gotten into the palace, how she had come here and stood right before my eyes — none of it mattered.
Once we met, I would ask her why I ended up here, and I would shout, demanding how she could appear here before me again, even if that elderly woman had nothing to do with it.
Her pace was just as fast as it had been back then. Even in the palace with not a single streetlight, and even though her eyes seemed impaired, she navigated far more skillfully than I did.
I ran while the elderly woman walked.
However, the gap between us widened alarmingly.
“No… no…”
I ran nonstop, my breath coming in gasps, but by the time I caught up, the elderly woman had somehow already left the palace. Even in the strict palace, where no one could easily go outside, the gatekeepers who saw her face helped her pass without suspicion.
“No!”
When the elderly woman exited the palace, I could no longer hold back and ran after her while shouting. At that moment, the gatekeepers guarding the palace immediately stepped in to stop me.
I had to come up with some kind of excuse at that instant.
“I am a woman favoured by the king. I have urgent business to attend to, so step aside.”
“Pardon?”
“It is I! A woman favoured by the king!”
When a person was cornered, even the facts they had been trying to ignore were absorbed and turned into something they owned. When I spoke, even shouting at the top of my voice, the gatekeepers hesitated, slightly intimidated. Even if my hairstyle seemed unfamiliar because of the dye, the clothes I wore were by no means something one could treat lightly.
As the gatekeepers wavered, I planted my feet firmly and readied myself again.
If I ran out now, I might be able to get out and meet that elderly woman to ask her for the whole story.
Tuk!
“Gasp!”
But just as I was about to run out, someone grabbed my arm tightly.
The fire that had been about to erupt faltered when I saw who it was. It was him.
General Hunmu.
Just like in the forest, the one who blocked me from reaching the elderly woman was General Hunmu.
He looked at me with a rather surprised expression, then turned his gaze to the elderly woman walking ahead. With a cloth covering her head, he might not have recognised her as the same elderly woman from the forest, but seeing the desperate look on my face, he seemed to have guessed.
“Let me go. I have to meet her this time. I cannot delay any longer.”
“...”
“Let me go!”
I shouted out, as if utterly fed up with the leisurely palace life of learning Chinese characters from the king. Until then, I hadn’t struggled much, even with the king’s noticeably changed attitude.
Yet General Hunmu did not remove his hand from the body of the woman favoured by the king. The gatekeepers, sensing that something was unusual about our appearance, turned back to face forward, their faces filled with fear as if they had seen something they were not meant to see.
“If you go out now—”
“Let go!”
“If you go out now, what will you say to His Majesty?”
“I don’t care! I may never see that grandmother [1] again. Please!”
“Will you tell another lie, saying she resembles someone you know? Do you think His Majesty will believe you this time?”
He stood tall.
“How long do you think His Majesty will keep believing your lies? Your emotions show far too clearly on your face. You are someone who could never belong in the palace.”
“...”
“And yet, here you are, doing something so foolish again. Still unable to exercise proper judgment.”
“Yes. That’s right. I do not know how to exercise proper judgment. I want to cling to that grandmother, whom I may never meet again, and ask why I am here, why I ended up in this place. Even if, by chance, she is not the reason I ended up here, the fact that I have already seen her in my world is reason enough to meet her.”
“...”
“Don’t ask me to be rational. Everything here is unfamiliar to me. No matter how well the people here treat me, even if my mind, my speech, and my appearance adapt to this place, could I ever feel at ease? For me… my mother… haa… and my father too…”
In the end, the elderly woman had disappeared. Despite all the commotion, she didn’t glance back even once and hurriedly scattered into the darkness.
Unable to think of going any further, I slowly sank to the ground as I spoke. My heart felt like it would burst, and my laboured breathing left me like that, but it was all because my emotions had overwhelmed me.
“Why are you stopping me again… What exactly do you expect me to do, stopping me like this again…?”
“...”
“Why… does General Hunmu always appear whenever I’m in trouble or desperate…? Why, exactly?”
Tears fell steadily, soaking the ground. I thought I was fine, but seeing the elderly woman again stirred a vague, unsettling sense of, ‘What am I even doing here?’ that swept through me like reeds swaying in the wind.
“Ha…”
I stayed there, letting my tears dampen the earth until my emotions had calmed somewhat, and then I stood up.
With unsteady, staggering steps, I passed him, returning to the place I was meant to be — the residence the king had let me stay in.
I had no way of knowing how the elderly woman ended up in the palace, but somehow I felt it would be impossible to see her again. That thought only deepened my despair, and I was gripped by the certainty that I could no longer meet her.
When I staggered back to my quarters, Bin, holding a tray of yakgwa, saw my tear-stained face and ran over as if she had seen a ghost.
“...I wish to be alone.”
“My lady…”
Leaving Bin’s worried expression behind, I entered the room, only to find that somehow I had lost one of my shoes somewhere, and the white sock on my right foot was completely blackened.
Why did this anxiety and fear keep coming over me that I might never see that elderly woman again? Then again, meeting her twice had already been almost a miracle.
Creak.
“...”
After roughly wiping my tearstains with my hands and gently closing my eyes, the door opened. I thought it might be Bin, but the sound was heavy, so I opened my eyes and saw General Hunmu standing there. His face, as always, seemed expressionless, yet somehow it looked deeply troubled.
Or perhaps that was only because my heart was in turmoil.
“What do you want to confirm?”
“...”
“What will you ask that elderly woman if you meet her?”
“…I want to ask why I am here… the reason for that.”
“The way to return?”
“…I will ask that as well.”
“... ”
“After all, even if I lied, you would know, wouldn’t you? You noticed right away the lie I told in the forest.”
“...”
“If she tells me the way to return, I will do it. Did you come here to ask that?”
A frank, unguarded honesty, the kind that only surfaced when emotions hit rock bottom, spilled out.
But since he had stopped me from leaving the palace grounds, it felt like I could speak my mind freely. Perhaps it would even be better to grow closer to the king and plead that I truly wanted to return.
“I am the one who brought you to this palace.”
“...I know.”
“...”
“What are you trying to say?"
“I cannot betray His Majesty.”
“…I want to rest. Please leave.”
“Just this once.”
“!”
“Even if you meet that elderly woman, it will not be easy to return. I will never allow you to betray His Majesty. But if you are so curious about why you ended up here…”
I picked myself up piece by piece, as if sweeping my sprawled-out body together with a broom.
In my eyes, a glimmer of hope flickered, as if I had found even a single thread of it amid overwhelming despair.
“I will let you meet her, just this once.”
Translator's Corner:
[1] When Yewon is speaking of the elderly woman in dialogue, I will be using "grandmother" instead of old/elderly woman/lady.
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