“Wasn’t that an engagement from long ago? Besides, that princess didn’t even know who you were.”
"I’m aware of that much as well."
"If you know, then why are you making that kind of face?”
“...”
"Of course, you could have felt pity. You were young back then, and the abused princess could easily have seemed pitiable. But that’s all in the past now."
If he had known it would turn out like this, he wouldn’t have brought young Fenrir to Neustein — but there was no use regretting it now.
Even that was already in the past.
"You don’t need to feel guilty. You’ve already done as much as you could."
"To say I’ve done as much as you could — I honestly can’t recall doing anything significant."
The engagement that went back and forth fell through, but his heart didn’t change.
He was simply filled with anticipation at the thought of submitting a marriage proposal again once he came of age.
But that dream ended with the ruin of Neustein.
That was all.
"If only I could turn back time, I would never have taken you to Neustein.”
"If only I could return to the past, I would have run away with that child back then.”
"That damn cheap pity sure lasts a long time."
"If I had to make a distinction, it’s an emotion closer to shame than to pity."
He had never formally met the child.
All he did was secretly hide and watch.
But even so, he absolutely couldn’t forget.
The image of the child clutching the ashes and crying bitterly was stuck in his heart like shards, and he never thought it would fade.
"Still, please don’t worry too much. I have no intention of ruining things because of personal feelings."
"You sure know how to talk."
"You chose me over my brothers because you knew I wouldn’t do that, right?"
“Who knows? You might seriously stab me in the back.”
"That won’t happen, so don’t worry. If I truly had a grudge against the Grand Duke, I wouldn’t even sit at the negotiation table."
Fenrir lightly shrugged his shoulders.
But Cher didn’t soften his expression.
It was because he saw Fenrir unconsciously caressing the sword he held to his chest.
・・・・・
"What are you searching for so intently?"
"There’s something I want to look into."
"Something you want to look into?"
"I hardly know anything about the empire. So, I look into it little by little whenever I have time."
Alicia answered James, but couldn’t take her eyes off the book.
Cabelenus had said he’d share whatever information was needed, but in truth, she couldn’t properly make sense of it herself.
She lacked even the most basic knowledge about the empire.
To grasp the bigger picture, she needed to at least commit the fundamentals to memory.
‘And it’d be even better if I could learn something about the monsters too.’
Alicia carefully traced the illustration of the monster with her fingers.
If she could, she wanted to free Cabelenus from his shackle, but the power she had was not for herself.
She was merely an existence that granted wishes.
There had to be someone who would wish for Cabelenus’s shackle to be undone.
‘…No, actually, the feeling of not wanting to die is probably stronger.’
Alicia’s fingertips twitched.
She didn’t want to hesitate if the worst should happen, so she tried not to create anything that would cause lingering attachment.
But in the end, one more lingering attachment was born.
Although it didn’t feel real yet, the changed relationship left behind some lingering attachment.
Rather than blindly draining her own life, she wanted to think of ways to keep living.
Just… even for one day, she wanted to live a little longer.
She used to want to die so badly, but now she was afraid of dying.
“If you need anything, just let me know. I’ll help too. If I review it and summarise it, we can save time.”
“No, I’d rather see it with my own eyes. When you look at a summary, you’re bound to miss some parts.”
“Then, how about organising the list of books?”
“Since I want to check that myself as well, I’ll just accept the intention.”
“Then—”
“James.”
Only then did Alicia turn her head, and James met her gaze with a gentle smile.
“Yes, what’s up? Is there something I can help with?”
“I appreciate the thought, but you don’t have to go out of your way to help me.”
“I did it because I thought you were pushing yourself too hard.”
“I’m getting plenty of rest.”
“I don’t think so.”
James quietly stood beside Alicia.
Alicia frowned at the shadow cast over the book.
“You don't have to do this in the first place. That person would’ve taken care of it anyway.”
“...What do you mean by those words?”
Alicia’s gaze turned ice-cold.
“Everyone thinks that way. They say if the Grand Duke of Schwarhan and the Emperor clash, the Grand Duke would obviously win.”
James smiled awkwardly.
“So?”
“Someone that strong is protecting Michael, so you don’t have to push yourself. I know you’re very attached to Michael, but you have to take care of your body too.”
“I’m just doing my best. I don’t want to waste time hoping for the best — because if something happens to Michael, I’ll definitely regret it.”
“You worry too much.”
“I just want to protect my child’s future.”
‘Because I don’t want Michael to end up like me.’
Alicia deliberately held back the rest of her words.
“...So, what happens after that?”
“After that?”
“You’re definitely leaving once everything is over, right?”
“Sorry, but rather than talking about distant future matters now, I want to focus on the present.”
“So, does that mean there’s a possibility you’ll stay here forever?”
“...”
Alicia’s hand froze mid-page flip.
Only then did James realise and cautiously watch Alicia’s expression.
“I told you. I want to focus on the present.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just worried about you…”
Alicia let out a short sigh as James avoided her gaze.
She knew James wasn’t inherently a bad person.
But he projected his deceased sister onto her and relieved his guilt by helping her.
Back then, she accepted that feeling even though she knew everything, but now, with her mind tangled in confusion, it only felt uncomfortable.
“If I don’t do this, you won’t take care of yourself.”
“I’m getting enough sleep, taking breaks when I can, and eating well. There’s nothing to worry about.”
Michael might seem clueless, but he was sensitive to the atmosphere.
Not only could she not show the child any sign of struggle, but Cabelenus also wouldn’t tolerate such a thing.
"I appreciate you worrying about me, but you really don’t have to. I’m not a child. I can manage my condition just fine on my own.”
"…There isn’t another reason, is there?"
“What?”
"You kept talking about Michael’s safety, but now I have other thoughts."
James ran his hand roughly through his hair.
The beautiful face visible beneath his silver hair was twisted.
“What other thoughts?”
“You’re just using Michael as an excuse to try and get back together with that person.”
“...”
"You couldn't forget. You kept longing for him. And now, that person has accepted Michael, too—”
“Stop it. If you say anything more, I’m really going to get mad.”
Alicia cut him off firmly.
In any case, James was a benefactor to Alicia.
Alicia, who knew nothing of the ways of the world, was only able to stand on her own thanks to his help.
She didn’t want to cause trouble if she didn’t have to.
"Getting mad means you have a guilty conscience, doesn’t it?"
“I’m not the one with a guilty conscience…!”
“Why did you stop mid-sentence? If you’re going to talk, say it properly.”
“If I say it, we’ll end up fighting.”
A vein bulged on the back of Alicia’s hand.
“Fight? Why? Are you really, with that person—”
“You said that person got married!”
Overcome with a surge of emotion, Alicia suddenly shouted, then quickly pressed her hand to her forehead.
She had intended to quietly let the matter go, but once the words were spoken, there was no taking them back.
"You… you lied to me. You said that person was married."
“That’s just something I heard as a rumour myself—”
"Did you really just hear it as a rumour? Is that all it was?"
“...”
"I didn’t fail to notice because I was blind. And I didn’t fail to hear because I was deaf."
She just pretended not to know.
Alicia let out a hollow laugh.
She was so preoccupied with raising Michael that she had no time to pay attention to the rumours.
The majority of the news she received came from James, who travelled back and forth to the capital.
"After meeting him and coming to Schwarhan, I realised — what I knew and what was true were quite different."
“Alicia, that’s—!”
"I didn’t point it out on purpose, because I know you’re not a bad person. I was just going to let it go, thinking you did it for my sake."
“...”
"The only lies you told were about that person. I can see it as a white lie you told to help me let go of my lingering feelings."
Alicia forced a smile.
But in contrast, James’s face twisted.
"Isn’t it more that you wanted to turn away from your own feelings? You’re always like that — knowing everything, but pretending not to and looking away."
“That’s about all I can do for you.”
"What do you mean by that?"
"You see your sister through me."
Alicia’s shoulders slumped.
Knowing what it felt like to lose someone precious, a bitter taste filled her mouth for no reason.
Part of the reason her heart was drawn to James was that they shared the same pain.
“...My sister?”
"I'm not trying to blame you. I know it too — when you lose someone precious, the helplessness of not being able to do anything doesn’t go away easily."
“...”
"But I’m not your sister. What you’re worried about won’t happen. So—."
“I know that, too! I’ve known for a long time that you’re not my sister!”
James shouted sharply.
It was true that he saw his deceased sister in Alicia.
But that was a thing of the past.
If he had only thought of her as his sister, he wouldn’t have felt this way.
“I don’t see you as my sister…”
James’s eyes wavered.
If he said the next words, the relationship they had built until now would be over.
The only reason he was able to stay by Alicia’s side was because he had kept his distance.
‘But…’
James’s Adam’s apple bobbed.
If he didn’t speak, it would all end just like that.
Alicia wouldn’t know the feelings he held, and he would simply remain right where he was.
"I can do anything, but you can’t. You’re just anxiously pacing, afraid of losing even the relationship you have now."
James squeezed his eyes shut.
The relationship between Cabelenus and Alicia was at rock bottom.
Cabelenus had nothing to lose, which was why he could act so shamelessly.
He tried to think that way to console himself, but deep down, he knew.
Even if it were the same situation, he wouldn’t have been able to do that.
That was why his insides burned even more, and he felt like he was going crazy.
He couldn’t control the emotions that welled up inside him.
Clink—!
It was then.
At the sudden, mysterious noise that interrupted, both turned their heads at once, neither before the other.
Through the slightly ajar study door, they saw a man hurriedly picking up a brooch.
Alicia reflexively frowned.
The uninvited guest was a man just as tall as Cabelenus.
His well-defined facial features and short hair that neatly exposed his forehead suited him very well. Although his sun-kissed brown skin seemed somewhat unusual, it attracted just as much attention.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…”
The man quickly smiled awkwardly under the flood of gazes.
Alicia took a short breath and eased her expression.
It was her first time seeing the man, but she had a rough idea of who he was.
Although he was awkwardly draped in a coat, the clothes visible beneath it weren’t from Schwarhan — and more than anything, his eyes were a deep green.
"You must be a guest of His Highness."
“Oh, do you know who I am?”
“Yes, a little.”
Alicia smiled slightly.
She noticed the man’s curious gaze, but she had no intention of revealing her identity.
"This place should be far from the guest rooms."
Of course, she had no intention of pretending not to notice the man’s suspicious behaviour.
The study where Alicia was currently in was open to anyone in the castle, but it wasn’t a place where a stranger would normally be found.
There weren’t many reasons for a stranger to seek out a study so far removed from the guest rooms.
“I haven’t been able to adjust at all to the unfamiliar bed. I thought maybe reading a dull book would make me sleepy, so I came to the study…”
The man trailed off, offering only an awkward smile.
He seemed well aware himself that his excuse didn’t sound convincing.
“I honestly didn’t mean to eavesdrop. It just sounded like an important conversation, so I was trying to slip away quietly, but then…”
“It’s alright. There’s no need to apologise.”
“But it's my mistake, isn't it?"
"The honoured guest came to look for a book, and I merely happened to be here at that time, that’s all."
Alicia shook her head lightly.
Even if it was suspicious, it would’ve been unreasonable to press him over just that. For now, it was better to be content with simply uncovering something dubious.
“All I can do is thank you for saying it that way.”
The man’s expression quickly brightened, and he gave a gentle smile.
"You said you came to look for a book, right? Feel free to look around. Schwarhan’s archives have a lot of books, so it usually takes quite some time to pick out the ones you want.”
Alicia closed the book she had been reading as she looked at the man.
Whether the man would be an ally or an enemy, she didn’t know. But one thing was certain: her reading time for the day was over.
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