As I was turning the torn piece of paper in this manner, a soft kiss suddenly landed on the crown of my head.
Huh? I looked up, only to feel a heavier sensation on my forehead this time. Even though I tried not to, I couldn’t help but instinctively recall Felix’s reaction from the past. It was because I was more familiar with that side of him.
If it were the old Felix, he would’ve smiled and gently patted my head as I sat on his lap. But the current Felix, whom I didn’t know well, seemed to have no intention of stopping at merely stroking my hair and telling me I looked pretty,
“W-wait a second.”
I stumbled over my words. He encircled my waist with his forearms. His rough hands, the same ones that had so ruthlessly torn the page, were now moving unhesitatingly over my body.
Although I described it as rough, considering he had gained the power of a devil, it was probably just a light touch by his standards.
“Keep turning the pages. I’m curious about what happens next…”
Felix rested his chin on my shoulder and mumbled lazily. How could he make such an unreasonable request in this situation? It didn’t seem like he was even paying attention to the book anymore.
Still, since he requested it, I turned the page, my face blushing deeply. For some reason, my fingertips were trembling.
Though I was the one pushing forward so that Felix wouldn’t be discouraged, he showed no signs of pulling away or rejecting my actions. If we continued like this, it felt like we might spiral out of control, like a runaway train with no brakes...
“Please turn to the next page.”
Felix steadfastly requested me to turn the page even though it seemed almost meaningless at this point.
“You’re not even looking at the book.”
No way, was he just doing this to watch me tremble nervously? I stifled a groan, fidgeting with my hands and feet. True to my observation, Felix spoke while barely paying attention to the book.
“You mentioned wanting to create a potion to separate souls. If there’s anything valuable in this book, the key points are likely that the passage of time is essential, and that you’ll need both a medium and divine power to directly intervene with the soul.”
What? Hearing Felix’s words, I quickly flipped to the table of contents and skimmed through the text to confirm if he was right. Upon examination, I realised Felix had highlighted only the exact parts I needed, summarising the main points. No way… had he already memorised everything well enough to pinpoint the key points like a tutor?
“Then why even bother reading it?!”
“If I see it once, I just memorise it…”
I was rendered speechless by the unexpected remark of a genius, feeling a profound sense of distance between us. Come to think of it, all this time, Felix had merely been adjusting to the level of an ordinary person, but from the start, he was a genius of the century, capable of disrupting the balance of the world. Memorising something after one glance was probably nothing… it was just basic for Felix.
I sat there, dumbfounded, before finally regaining my senses and asking.
“So why are you looking at something you’ve already memorised?”
“I was curious if I could recall the past.”
When he said that, I had nothing left to say. Feeling somewhat solemn, I just watched as Felix opened his mouth and playfully bit my cheek. I had no idea what the connection was between remembering the past and teasing me.
“Do you remember?”
“I do remember. However, I can’t empathise at all with the feelings or thoughts I had back then.”
“What were you thinking back then?”
“Many altruistic thoughts…”
Felix trailed off as if recalling something, before quickly shifting the conversation back to the previous topic.
“To be honest, the recipe for a potion that separates a devil’s soul from a human’s will be nearly impossible to find anywhere.”
“I expected as much.”
“There’s also the question of whether divine power would even be effective. It might cancel each other out if we’re lucky, or it could cause a clash that results in both being annihilated.”
Ultimately, it was obvious that getting information from the book was futile. Additionally, even if I conducted thorough research and crafted the potion, I couldn't predict the results. I certainly couldn't afford to experiment recklessly on Felix.
I had naturally expected this from the start, but I couldn't help but let out a silent sigh as I watched Felix close the book he had been reading. He kept his chin resting on my shoulder and his arms wrapped around my waist.
“Still, I believe Irene can accomplish it. Because you always have.”
“You’re still as kind as ever, Felix.”
Upon hearing those words, Felix's puzzled gaze lingered on my face for a moment before quickly shifting away. He asked.
“How did you create the potion that brings back the happiest memories and emotions? I’ve never seen such a potion before."
"The truth is, I had been failing repeatedly, but when I added the seeds of the sunset cherry blossoms, it finally worked. It had to be the seeds; neither the roots nor the leaves would suffice, though I’m still struggling with the dosage adjustments."
“Sunset cherry blossoms… A flower that only blooms at night. If I remember correctly, they mean nostalgia, longing and bittersweet yearning…”
“What a coincidence. I only thought about Felix the entire time while making it.”
At my words, Felix absentmindedly fidgeted, his hands unconsciously tracing patterns on my skin. A soft murmur escaped his lips.
“I want to hold you…”
It was a bit awkward, but he was already half-hugging me from behind. …Ah, did he mean something else? Was it that kind of holding? So, it was something like that.
I couldn’t help but hesitate briefly as I recalled the torment I experienced from the moment Felix regained consciousness until he fell asleep that day.
It was tiring. But it was also true that I had felt incredibly good. It felt like a spiritual, emotional connection of sorts. After gathering my resolve, I clenched my fist and spoke with courage.
“You… you can hold me."
“I might crush your ribs.”
Oh, so that was his intent. He just wanted to hug me tightly, not just gently drape his arms around me.
‘Damn it, is that really what you meant…’
Perhaps the most rotten thing was my own mind. I desperately swallowed my mixed emotions and buried my flushed face in my hands for a moment, letting out a silent scream. Then, I turned around, spreading my arms towards Felix and said.
“In that case, I'll give you a big hug.”
“I don’t know what to say at times like this.”
“I keep feeling more and more strange.” Felix added while rubbing his chest, the area over his heart. It seemed he was struggling to find the words to express that sensation, that emotion behind ‘why he found me so lovable?’
"Just saying that I'm pretty is enough.”
I kindly taught Felix.
He blinked his lake-blue eyes and quietly repeated after me, like a well-behaved child.
“You’re pretty.”
In response to his words, I hugged him tightly with all my strength as if to praise him.
・・・・・
"Oh, a mouse."
A mouse was squeaking and scurrying around under the table, possibly attracted by the smell of the grains I had been using for an experiment. Although I didn’t particularly dislike mice itself — perhaps since they were mammals like me — I certainly hated the bacteria and diseases they carried.
I was about to ask Felix to put me down so I could retrieve the 'just one drop of this will eliminate all bacteria and germs' potion. But before I could speak, Felix had already released me and, without hesitation, lifted the mouse into the air by its tail.
“I’ll go throw it away.”
“Okay, throw it… wait…”
“You mean release it, right?”
“Wouldn’t it be better to kill it?”
“Why kill it?”
“It’s limping.”
As Felix said, the mouse’s leg was severely injured. It seemed like it had barely escaped from a mousetrap. Felix went on speaking with a face devoid of any emotion.
“Even if we treat it, it’ll die soon. It’s another life, but it would be better to put it out of its misery rather than prolong its suffering.
Uh… well… While I generally preferred to avoid unnecessary killing, I wasn’t exactly a strict pacifist who meticulously adhered to the ethics of life. I was already overwhelmed with taking care of my own people, so how could I? Besides, weren’t mice considered on the same level as cockroaches in the world I came from? If Felix really wanted to kill it, it was fine with me.
“Fel, you don’t want to feel the sense of loss anymore, right?”
“Yes.”
“I understood that to mean you want to regain the emotions that were taken from you. Am I correct?”
Felix paused for a moment, lost in thought, before nodding slowly.
“… I think so.”
I had no intention of forcing Felix to return to his old self; however, if that was his desire, I would wholeheartedly support him. Ultimately, it was all up to him.
“I will respect your choice, but are you confident you won’t regret this decision later?”
“Are you saying I’ll regret killing this mouse if I regain my emotions?”
Felix looked down at the squeaking mouse as if he didn’t quite understand.
“I remember that I used to be quite concerned about such things in the past.”
I took that opportunity to rummage through the cabinet and retrieved the 'just one drop of this will eliminate all bacteria and germs' potion. I poured it on the mouse and Felix’s hand. Then, I held up a healing potion in my other hand, as if seeking his opinion.
“Shall we treat it?”
“It won’t live for long.”
“Then why do mayflies exist? They won’t live long either.”
I once had a similar conversation with Felix. When I tried to kill a spider that came into the house, I never would have thought I’d find myself repeating his exact words back to him.
“You once told me that they have their own lives, so we shouldn’t judge them carelessly.”
“…I don’t understand it at all.”
Felix seemed to remember having said something like that, but he still couldn't empathise. Slightly furrowing, he continued to speak.
"If that's the case, I'll be haunted by the countless human souls I've killed."
His voice carried a hint of bitterness, likely stemming from his sense of loss as there was no trace of sorrow or pain in it.
Felix calmly predicted what would happen after he regained all his emotions and beliefs, speaking as if it were someone else’s business. As if he was a complete stranger making an objective assessment.
No, that wouldn’t happen. Fel did nothing wrong. Where in the world was there someone as righteous as Fel? The devil was the one who arbitrarily stole everything from Fel, leading to this result. If Fel was haunted by vengeful spirits for something like this, the irredeemable trio deserved to die right now.
‘But could I really flippantly talk about the deaths of people I didn't even know well?’
In fact, I could.
Even if thousands or tens of thousands of roses withered and died, I wouldn’t care as long as the rose I tended so lovingly remained safe. But knowing the old Felix better than anyone, it was a statement I couldn’t make lightly.
Why was it that white things leave a trace with even a drop of water, while black things show nothing even when soaked in blood?
Once he regained his emotions, no matter how much I told him it wasn’t his fault, it wouldn’t reach his ears. Before me, he would act as if everything was fine saying, "Yes, Rin, you’re right. I’m fine now, really, it doesn’t bother me at all,” Yet, beneath the surface, it was evident that guilt was silently consuming him.
His words unexpectedly struck my heart and made my throat tighten. But I pretended to clear my throat and asked.
"How do you think you’ll feel then?"
"I wonder. Maybe it will feel painful."
It seemed like he didn’t quite understand what it meant to be in pain. Felix tilted his head and asked me in return.
"It must be a different sensation from having your flesh cut while blood is flowing. Perhaps, it's similar to the feeling of losing one's soul?”
“It's not the same as that either.”
"Is that so?"
"Fel, would you rather live a life rich in emotions, though suffering from past mistakes, or one devoid of feeling and utterly empty?"
Both choices left a bitter taste, proving that perfect bliss was an illusion. But Felix did not hesitate long before giving his answer.
“Isn’t it better to choose the former rather than not even knowing what suffering is?”
Even Larry, who had become filled with the will to live and emotions, said that even though he felt like he was dying from anguish, he didn’t want to escape this moment. He wanted to be the flame that ignited life, even if it was hot and painful. He wanted to live.
Felix, who had lost so much to Larry, was saying the same thing.
As expected, I would never be able to completely let go of my hatred for Larry even if everything returned to normal and peace was restored.
It wasn’t intentional? You were merely ignorant since you’re just a fragment of the devil?
Who cares.
Felix was like this.
Like this...
"You might have nightmares."
"Nightmares…"
The screams of those who died by his own hands might echo in his ears, and every time he saw the blade of a sword reflecting light, he might vividly recall the sensation of piercing flesh with the sword in his hands.
"You might feel an overwhelming urge to cry and scream uncontrollably."
"Me? Well, I don’t really remember ever screaming in my life..."
"That’s probably true. If it were Fel, you would have probably tried to endure all that pain alone.”
"I suppose so.”
He would definitely avoid it. Even now, having lost almost all his emotions except for his love for me, the first thing he did when we met was push me away.
"And if you do, you'll be punished.”
When I spoke firmly, as if I had been holding onto these words for so long, Felix fell quiet for a moment. He clearly hadn’t expected that those words would now return and be directed at him.
“Punished?"
"Yes. I’ll punish you thoroughly."
"How?"
"Well..."
I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, my expression serious. Then, while pouring the potion onto the leg of the mouse that Felix was holding, I said.
"I’ll be by your side wherever you go, wrapping you in a tight hug every time you’re in pain."
I picked up a small twig to serve as a splint for the mouse's leg and secured it firmly with a bandage. Felix’s grip, which had been casually holding the mouse’s tail, gradually relaxed. I cradled the mouse in my palm and gently placed it on the ground. The mouse then limped away and disappeared.
“Fel, you’ll want to present only your strong side to me. So when you feel unbearably vulnerable and wish to be alone, I won’t let you suffer in silence — that’s how you will be punished.”
Felix, who had been looking at me with a slightly dazed expression, blinked and replied.
"...Alright. Then please punish me."
"Promise?”
I extended my pinky and hooked it onto his finger without permission. It felt like I was forcing a contract on Felix while he was in a state of ignorance, but I really didn’t want to see him suffer alone.
"I will do my best so that the regained emotions don't leave only pain for Fel."
Then, Felix, who had been loosening his grip on my pinky, slowly pulled it towards himself.
<End of Volume 3>
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