✨ Note: This chapter covers the middle of ch. 48 to 49 of the manhwa~! ✨
"Are you talking about yourself right now?"
As far as I knew, no one in the world was as harmless as Felix. At least that was until he got entangled with the devil. Naturally, it was in the devil's nature, and what's done is done, so I wouldn’t hold too much resentment. But wasn’t it a bit unreasonable for him to try to stop me from doing something?
In the past, the devil himself admitted that he had no such thing as a conscience. I let out a laugh in disbelief. This must be what they meant when they said your astonishment could send you soaring into the sky. The devil opened his mouth and spoke in a much lower and sombre tone than before.
"I'm not joking. He’s really dangerous."
"Must be false danger then. Regardless, I’m willing to take the risk.”
“It’s beyond what you can withstand!”
"No matter what, it’s still better than burning in hellfire! Besides, you need to understand that you have no right to speak about this."
I wonder if he had sold his conscience. The devil’s ‘fragment’ was indeed in a very unstable state.
‘As expected from a devil.’
It was time to help Leraze clean up his act[1]. I gazed at Larry with pity and forcibly pried away his hand off my wrist. I then placed his hand over his own heart.
"This is exactly what it means to put your hand on your heart[2] and speak honestly. Now, Larry, tell me, who is responsible for causing Felix's desire to become dangerous?"
"I... I..."
"You?"
"I did it..."
“Why did I do that…?” Those words spilled out from Larry's trembling lips.
Contrary to my expectations, it was a voice filled with bitter regret. I could relate to the feeling since I had barely managed to crawl out of a similar pit of regret myself. I thought it would be utterly useless to do this since he had no morals, no principles, no beliefs, and no conscience. To be honest, I was a bit surprised. I had expected his response to be, ‘I did it, but so what?’
‘You’re capable of feeling regret?’
Being able to feel regret implied that, at least on an emotional level, he could realise his own mistake and was capable of repenting. Whether he atoned or not was a separate matter. The essence of a devil couldn’t change so drastically, so it was puzzling how he could feel such a thing as regret. Even the utterly hopeless trio would never be plagued by such regret. Perhaps this was possible because it was a regret related to the emotion of love.
Larry, with his hand resting on his heart, spoke in a peculiar voice as his blue eyes gradually grew hazy.
"Ugh, it feels like I’m being torn apart. It’s like burning in the pit of Hell."
His voice broke off intermittently as if speaking was too difficult.
"...We usually call that jealousy."
"Jealousy? This is jealousy? Damn it, I want to steal you away and devour the last remnants of his soul completely."
"If you do that, I'll make you experience a pain far worse than death.”
I couldn’t help but make an expression that conveyed I was willing to go to any lengths.
"Ha."
I briefly scoffed, pulling out a pocket watch to check the time. Larry looked down at me with a sullen expression, biting his lips nervously. It was almost time to meet Felix. If this devil suddenly went crazy with jealousy and scattered ashes on cooked rice[3], it would be troublesome. So instead of blurting out harsh words, I decided to explain them kindly. Larry seemed capable of understanding, at least as much as his regret would allow.
"Larry, it's time for us to take responsibility for our actions.”
I spoke softly and tenderly as if explaining something to a child, keeping my tone as even as possible.
"I failed to hold onto Felix, who left in a panic. I ultimately provided him the opportunity to become even more corrupt. No matter how much pain Felix causes me, I have to endure it. I will embrace it all."
"Why would you..."
"Because I love him."
“...”
"You took away the Felix I loved completely. So, whether he causes me pain or pleasure, I must endure it and be patient."
"Why, why..."
"Because you love me."
Now I needed a response.
"Are you ready to take responsibility?"
As I said that, I pointed back towards the bed. His deep blue eyes, which had grown heavy with emotion, trembled helplessly as if they would collapse at any moment. His repeated clenching and unclenching of his fists made it clear that his desire to snatch me away was not just an idle remark.
It was as if he was recalling my words of showing him pain worse than death if he did such a thing. Eventually, he loosened his grip and let his arms drop limply. He staggered towards the bed and collapsed onto it. Then, with his head buried in a pillow, he muttered in a barely audible voice.
"I feel like I'm in Hell."
Hell was the home of devils. I asked him out of courtesy because his words implied that he felt like he was back home.
"How do you feel?"
"Awfully miserable."
Despite having once longed to return, Larry now lay hidden beneath the blanket, his large frame curled up tightly like a shrimp, feeling completely wretched.
・・・・・
When I unexpectedly ran into Felix at the banquet hall, I was so caught off guard that I just stammered and let him go without taking any meaningful action. But now it was different. Not only did I know exactly when, where, and how we would meet, but I could even set it up myself.
‘Fel, I’ve missed you so much.’
I considered whether I should tear up while saying that. If the atmosphere became too serious, he might get overwhelmed and run away again, like last time. Maybe it would be better to do something a bit silly to lighten the mood and make him laugh.
‘O Hero, Awaken!’
Would this amount of nonsense do the trick?
But since his emotions have vanished, would he even smile upon hearing those words?
‘M-my heart feels like it’s about to burst!’
With each passing second and minute, my mouth grew drier. If this kept up, I'd squander all the favourable scenarios and revert to a ‘stuttering’ mess! Realising one's own emotions was proving to be such a challenge. In the past, I wouldn't have bothered with such needless concerns.
I paced back and forth like a restless puppy. Desperate to calm my nerves, I downed a glass of wine in one shot! Boo-hoo, at this rate I was going to fall into alcohol addiction. I should get used to it as soon as possible since I didn’t know how long I could borrow the strength of alcohol to talk to Felix.
Moreover, ever since I became Irene, nothing but sweet cocktails suited my taste. I wrinkled my nose in disgust, saying “Ew,” before setting the glass down.
"Why does this taste so awful?"
I bought the most expensive one, but just because it was expensive didn’t mean it was good. I'd rather have the cheap and sickeningly sweet one instead. As I stuck out my tongue, grimacing at the bitter and sour taste, I turned my head and found myself staring right into Felix's eyes.
“...”
“...”
Since when had he been awake? Or rather, how long had he been watching my embarrassing behaviour? Desperate to escape this awkward atmosphere, I retracted my tongue and blurted out whatever came to mind.
"S-shall we continue?”
…What were we supposed to continue?
Having said it myself and immediately regretting it, I buried my face in my hands and slumped down into my seat. Idiot. I'm such a fool.
"You haven't run away yet."
“I thought it was a dream,” Felix mumbled expressionlessly, blinking his eyes. Water droplets trickled down from the corners of his eyes, running down his cheeks, and he curiously brushed them away with his fingers.
"...Tears?"
And then he asked me.
"Did the devil cry?"
His reaction suggested that a crying devil was something he had never encountered before. Seeing Felix like that made me feel odd since it was as if I made him cry. Flustered, my eyes darted around before I stuttered in response.
“Umm... I suppose I made him cry.”
"Why?"
"The devil assimilated with Fel’s feelings and said he fell in love with me, but I harshly rejected him?”
"Ah, ahaha… Love..."
Felix let out a hollow laugh as if it was amusing. However, there was no trace of a smile on his face.
"After stripping me of every emotion except love, it’s even stolen that from me.”
He spoke in a flat, indifferent voice and then languidly leaned against the headboard of the bed. His jet-black hair flowed gently over his face, casting a shadow over his eyes.
"Why did you refuse? Since it took my emotions, it should be rather similar to the old me. It would be less dangerous than me."
There was neither resentment nor sarcasm. Felix was genuinely saying that. He was asking why I cruelly rejected the devil and chose him instead. The soft smile that had adorned my lips since Felix woke up crumbled. But I quickly composed myself before he noticed. I stood up from my seat and approached Felix. Then, leaning forward with my back bent, I gently cupped one of his cheeks and responded.
"How could that be? While there might be some overlaps since he took the emotions that originally belonged to Fel, that’s the devil, not Felix.”
In fact, even though they occupied the same body, I could instantly tell Felix apart from the devil before either of them even spoke. It was hard to express it in words, but the two were fundamentally different. I gently traced the corners of Felix’s reddened eyes with my fingers and asked.
"Are you sad?"
"I’ve forgotten what it means to be sad. I’m just plagued by a terrible sense of loss as if something is constantly seeping out of me.”
"Does it hurt?"
"No. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I might become an empty shell, with nothing left inside."
At least it seemed that fear still lingered within him. If that’s the case, it’s not too late. As long as there was fear, he would never become just an empty shell. If he truly had no emotions, he wouldn’t even be able to feel a sense of loss.
"Fel, look at this."
I rummaged through my pocket and abruptly pressed a small vial into his hand. The potion inside was as transparent as the tears of an angel and sparkled with different colours depending on the angle. I had almost given up after repeated failures, but thanks to my unyielding tenacity, I finally succeeded in creating this potion. Though, for now, I had only managed to produce a very small amount.
"What is this?"
Felix examined the potion I had handed him.
"...I’ve never seen this kind of potion before but it’s exceptionally made. Have you been learning about potions continuously since then?”
"Yes!"
"I see."
"Aren't you going to praise me?"
“Do I need to?”
He looked up at me with a slightly perplexed expression. I bit my lip and glanced up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to hold back my tears. Once I managed to keep them in check, I smiled broadly and nodded enthusiastically.
"Please tell me I did well."
He stared at me intently for a moment, then slowly began to move his lips.
"...You did well."
"Hehe."
The bed was spacious. I quickly lay down with my head resting on his outstretched legs.
"Please pat my head."
Felix seemed flustered at first, but when I grabbed his hand and placed it on my head, he hesitated for a moment before gently stroking my hair. What started as a light touch gradually became more intense and lingering. Felix gently scratched my chin and played with my earlobe with a touch filled with raw desire. His fingers relentlessly sought out my sensitive spots, tickling and pressing them.
"Mmm..."
I let out a soft moan and buried my head in his thigh.
"You've become reckless."
"I've become honest.”
"Did you bring the ointment?"
"No..."
"You’re truly reckless. You must have intended to get hurt."
"I have healing potions though."
“Wouldn’t that be enough?” I inquired with my eyes half-closed as I felt his touch. Felix’s hand delved inside my dress without hesitation.
"It will hurt."
"It doesn't matter."
"I won't let you go even if you cry."
"I’d still be happier than crying alone."
Felix tugged at the shirt he was wearing and swiftly tore off the buttons that were barely fastened. His once pure white and clear skin had darkened from sun exposure. He raised his other hand but paused briefly as he gazed at the potion in his grasp.
"What kind of potion is this?"
"When you drink it, the memory and feelings of your happiest moment will come to mind."
At that moment, the bright blue eyes that had been gleaming with intense desire momentarily flickered with uncertainty.
"But the effects won't last long."
Nevertheless, if that feeling accumulated, wouldn’t he eventually be able to regain the many things that he had lost someday?
In truth, I created that out of necessity. I missed Felix so much that I couldn’t bear it. I wanted to vividly recall even the faded memories, but I no longer needed it now.
"You said you were afraid of becoming an empty shell. If you ever feel like you have nothing left, come to me. I’ll do whatever it takes to fill you up until you feel complete.”
“...”
"In fact, the name of this potion was decided from the beginning. Felix."
I grabbed the vial from Felix's hand, opened it, and poured the entire contents into my mouth. With a playful smile, I tapped my moist lips with my fingers.
"I have a pretty good idea of what I’ll see even without drinking it…”
Felix gazed upon me, seemingly spellbound, before slowly pressing his lips against mine, drawing out the happiness from my mouth. The potion that Felix hadn't managed to swallow in time trickled down my throat.
Translator's Corner:
[1] "To clean up one's act" means to change one's behaviour or character for the better."
[2] "To put one's hand on one's heart" means to swear that something is completely truthful, genuine, or sincere.
[3] "Scattering ashes on cooked rice” means to ruin a situation (or work) that is normally going well or about to be complete."
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