“...Please don’t place too much blind faith in the shaman.”
Even when he acted coldly enough to make her feel distant, occasionally Kijoon would say something nice, as if he was doing her a favour.
Of course, it was entirely Nokhee’s delusion to think of it as kindness. From the beginning, Kijoon viewed the Grand Shaman as an enemy, reacting with disdain to anything associated with her and showing little concern for the fate of the Yoon family.
“Those things that transform grotesquely, donning a snake’s skin ― do you even know what’s born from their death?”
Thus, his words were not meant to express concern for Nokhee. His expression, dry as if coated in wax, and his indifferent voice made that evident.
Nokhee smiled weakly.
“I was born weak, so there's nothing I can do about it."
“...”
“Since the elders of the household are very worried, I suppose I should listen to the Grand Shaman’s words with the hopes of grasping at straws."
“So, rather than face a premature death, my lady would choose to prolong her life, which is bound to end eventually, even if it means dying after becoming a snake monster?”
Kijoon's bluntness caught her off guard. Initially, Nokhee thought he was mocking her, but he wasn't the type to joke, nor were they close enough for that. He was genuinely curious.
‘No.’
Swallowing her true feelings was something Nokhee was exceptionally good at.
‘Kijoon I'm actually in pain. I don't want to eat that heirloom or whatever it is. I want to stop being the family's scapegoat. My body feels terrible. It’s disgusting. I want to die…’
“Of course I want to live. Why would I spit it out and die when I can just swallow it and survive? Stop talking nonsense and just do what you’re told.”
Suppressing the words that threatened to spill from her throat, Nokhee frowned, lost her temper and lashed out.
Her heart felt heavy. She didn't want Kijoon to find out. Absolutely not. Without the courage to die and leave her mother and Seonghyeon behind, she endured living in a household where she was treated worse than an animal.
In front of him, she had to be the cherished daughter of the lord, the naïve young lady, Yoon Nokhee.
“...”
Following Nokhee’s reprimand, the library fell silent once more. Kijoon was already a man of few words, and with his mouth now completely shut, it came as no surprise.
If this continued, it was clear that Kijoon would leave without saying a single word to her. They had finally met after a long time, and she didn’t want to part ways like this. Who knew when they would see each other again after today...
“By the way, where have you been for the past three days?”
Flustered, Nokhee had no choice but to muster a brave front and awkwardly keep the conversation going. She had already learned the answer from Eokbun, but beyond that topic, their relationship was too superficial for her to ask anything else.
“Your lady is asking you a question, and you’re not even responding. Are you sulking because I made that one comment? Is that it?”
It was Nokhee who was growing anxious and babbling nonsense in response to his silence. When she even threatened to take away the brush he was using to write, Kijoon finally opened his mouth slowly, albeit reluctantly.
“...I went to the village down south.”
“What did you do there? They say it’s just a rural village with nothing to see."
"I caught a 300-year-old centipede for that old weasel hag to eat."
“What? C-centipede? Eww! Why would she eat something like that?"
As she grimaced at the thought of the centipede, Kijoon stared at her intently. His face was completely expressionless, yet Nokhee thought he was at least a little amused.
Of course, this too was just her imagination. Throughout all those long years, Kijoon had never smiled even once in her presence.
But still, Nokhee decided to think as she pleased.
Kijoon quickly turned his gaze away from her and finished the remaining brush strokes. Nokhee couldn’t help but chuckle at the image of the Grand Shaman looking like a weasel munching on centipedes, but then she suddenly realised and belatedly added.
“And you, stop saying that. What do you mean by ‘weasel hag’? You shouldn’t refer to the Grand Shaman like that. If you keep doing so, you’ll get into big trouble.”
“I’m done.”
“Oh, already? Let me see.”
Nokhee thought he was merely saying that to avoid her nagging, but when she examined the bundle of papers he handed her, she saw it was entirely filled with densely packed black letters, all neatly arranged, leaving not a single blank space.
This wasn’t good. She wanted to keep him around a little longer, yet she couldn’t help but admire the neat and elegant calligraphy. It wasn’t just infatuation; it was genuinely much better than the stiff, formal handwriting she had seen in the scriptures.
Although Nokhee had only basic literacy skills, she had observed enough of her adoptive father, Yoon Hocheol's writing to recognise that Kijoon's skills were exceptional.
“Your handwriting is really beautiful. Your hands are so big and rough, yet how can you write so well?”
“I have a question.”
Kijoon made an irrelevant comment in response to Nokhee's compliment ― not that she was expecting a reply. She absentmindedly glanced between the paper and the scriptures, casually asking, “What is it?”
"My lady’s hands are much smaller and more delicate than mine, yet you can’t write well. Why do you insist on practising calligraphy?"
“What?”
Did she hear what Kijoon said correctly?
Nokhee was so dumbfounded that she slammed the bundle of papers onto the desk and let out a series of exasperated breaths.
“Have you decided to talk back now? A servant like you shouldn’t be speaking to your lady in that manner.”
"I’m asking because it seems pointless if you’re having someone else do your homework. The difference in handwriting is so significant that the teacher couldn’t possibly miss it unless they’re blind.”
“It’s not just about homework. There’s thought and reasoning behind my instructions.”
"I see.”
Kijoon muttered in a flat tone. Nokhee felt frustrated, sensing that he was mocking her excuses. She felt wronged.
But it was true. Yoon Jucheol only ever talked about reviewing her work; he had never once looked at her writing or searched through her books.
Even so, the reason she continued to struggle through copying the texts in her clumsy handwriting whenever Kijoon wasn’t around was...
“Aren’t you going to ask?”
“...”
"Ugh, this is so frustrating. Forget it. Let's not talk about it.
Just as it took two hands to clap, [1] she couldn’t understand how she had grown attached to someone so dense. Feeling sorry for herself, Nokhee let out a deep sigh, roughly folded the papers, and stuffed them into her stationery box, closing it with a snap.
Even as she packed away the inkstone and brush, he just stood there, staring blankly. It was only after she slammed the lid shut with a loud 'thud' that he finally, though reluctantly, asked.
“...What is the reason for it?”
"I plan to open a book rental shop when I leave home one day."
However, without a hint of hesitation, Nokhee responded as if she had been waiting for the question. Taken by surprise, Kijoon, uncharacteristically, asked again for clarification.
“A book rental shop... you say?”
"Yes. Since books and ink are so expensive in the capital, it’s said that shops renting out hand-copied books are thriving.”
This, too, was something she had heard from Yoon Hocheol while learning to read. It was a vague dream she had nurtured since then, but it was shattered when she was dragged to Hwangju.
Nokhee was destined to die as a ghost in this household, so she would never be able to fulfil that dream.
However, to endure this hell, she had to gather whatever fragmented pieces she could from the scriptures that Yoon Jucheol had provided, even if they were just remnants of mockery.
“With so many books that my father has given me, wouldn’t it be good to use them to make money and contribute to the country?”
“If it’s money you’re after, it would be better to just sell those books off instead.”
Although she had her own deep intentions, Kijoon’s words were undeniably mundane. Nokhee wanted to immediately refute his claim, but on the other hand, there was some truth to it, so she let out a scoff.
"Don't you know that those who aim for quick riches often meet a bad end?"
"I'm just saying that selling the books would be easier than painstakingly copying them with your terrible handwriting."
"That's why you have to copy them for me."
“Me… you say?”
Kijoon’s eyebrows twitched slightly at her unexpected remark.
“Of course. Why should I do such a difficult task when I have a skilled servant like you? Huh?"
Nokhee playfully said this as she grabbed Kijoon’s hand and shook it back and forth.
It was meant to mock the insolent servant, but up close, she noticed that even Kijoon’s hands were quite handsome.
His hands, with long, straight fingers and thick knuckles, even the hardened calluses exuded a striking masculinity. No wonder, whether the older maids were cooking rice or the younger maids were running errands, whenever this guy passed by, they would all be busy stealing glances at him.
“How can our hands be the same, yet your handwriting is vastly better than mine? Are you casting some kind of spell...?”
Slap―!
At that moment, Kijoon forcefully pulled his hand away. The strength was so intense that Nokhee instinctively exclaimed, “Ouch” and clutched her hand.
She looked at Kijoon with eyes filled with embarrassment. She intended to let go immediately, but perhaps it was because she had unknowingly fiddled with it. A flicker of disdain crossed his opaque black eyes.
“I’ll take my leave now.”
Without giving Nokhee a moment to collect herself, the servant brusquely turned away. Her heart sank. The thought that if he left like this, she might not have another chance to see him again anytime soon weighed heavily on her, prompting her to call out impulsively.
“Kijoon!”
Fortunately, his steps that were getting further away halted abruptly.
Earlier, she had gone too far. After all, he was only putting up with her because of her status as the lord’s daughter, and yet she had carelessly grabbed his hand. It was no surprise that Kijoon, who already disliked the Yoon family, would find the situation horrifying.
Nokhee steadied her trembling voice and, making an effort to sound dignified, said.
“For the time being, you must continue to come to the library for work. That’s an order.”
At the command, Kijoon finally turned to face Nokhee. The momentary expression of displeasure he had shown earlier seemed to have passed, as his revealed face was as dry and expressionless as that of a wax figure.
She felt disgusted with herself for being unable to attract his interest any other way.
The palm of her hand, which Kijoon had slapped away, throbbed with pain, prompting Nokhee to clench her fist tightly and hide it under her sleeve.
"Father gifted me another stack of books again. Thanks to that, I have a mountain of things to transcribe, so you'll have to suffer a bit for me.”
"That would be difficult.”
“Why?”
“My lady’s father has commanded me to leave for Yeongsan River, and I must depart at dawn.”
“M-my father...?”
Nokhee asked back in surprise. Usually, when she acted like this, he would simply ignore her and leave coldly, but for some reason, he offered a surprisingly reasonable explanation this time.
“How long has it been since you returned? Wait, if you’re talking about the Yeongsan River...”
Her face hardened. It didn’t even bother her that he had referred to the lord who governed Hwangju in a disrespectful manner. [2]
She had recently heard from Eokbun that there was chaos beyond the Yeongsan River, with barbarians attacking the borders. Without realising it, Nokhee approached Kijoon and asked urgently.
"Isn't it a war zone over there right now? Why would you, a mere servant, go to such a dangerous place? Huh?"
“...”
“Just don’t...”
Don’t go.
Nokhee, who was about to say those words, slowly closed her mouth at Kijoon’s chilling gaze. It was a foolish question. She quickly regretted her words and scolded herself for her mistake.
He was a servant, so of course he had to go. As the daughter of the one who pushed him into such danger, saying such things would only provoke anger — what an idiot. Stupid fool.
“I... I’ll overlook it this time for not coming immediately.”
“...”
“But since you have to transcribe, take care not to injure your hands. If you come back with even a scratch, I will be furious.”
As she spoke those words, a slight crease formed between Kijoon's brows. Noticing this, Nokhee felt as if her insides were burning.
Was this also a slip of the tongue? In reality, she meant not just his hands but that he shouldn't come back hurt at all. No, what she truly wanted was for him not to go at all; she wished she could hold onto the hem of his clothes.
If only she were truly Yoon Jucheol's daughter, she would at least have the courage to plead with her father. Instead, her heart sank in despair at the crushing reality of being nothing more than a servant girl masquerading as a noblewoman.
Nokhee, who had been anxiously biting her lower lip, suddenly realised that Kijoon had been standing there silently without responding. She quickly opened her mouth to speak.
“Why aren’t you answering me? Should I have Eokbun come right away to discuss your attitude and correct that impudent way of speaking?”
But at that moment, the servant abruptly turned around and strode out of the library with his long legs. In an instant, he vanished around the corner, leaving her no chance to stop him.
“...That insolent fellow. Leaving without even saying goodbye to his lady...”
After some time, only Nokhee's mumbling echoed hollowly in the abandoned library.
Translator's Corner:
[1] This saying is similar to "It takes two to tango." It means that everyone has a part to play in what happens, that’s why it takes two to clap (or tango). In a relationship context, both partners share responsibility for the dynamics and issues within the relationship. It emphasises mutual accountability and the need for both parties to contribute to the health and success of the relationship.
[2] Nokhee is referring to how Kijoon is referring to the Lord as “my lady’s father” rather than “His Excellency” or “Lord Jucheol.”
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