“Yewon.”
“Somi!”
I had been working a regular job, but feeling uncertain about my future, I used that as an excuse to start preparing for the civil service exam, and now, two years have already passed.
After a long time, I finally made plans with a friend to meet at a café.
We hadn’t seen each other in so long that it was almost like I’d forgotten her face.
After failing the exam again, an unbearable wave of self-doubt and stress hit me, and I knew I had to meet someone before I completely lost it.
When I first tasted the bitterness of failure, I told myself it was understandable.
I had just resumed studying after having given up, so although my scores were far from passing, I took comfort in having cleared more than half of the material.
My family cheered me on, and even my boyfriend praised my effort, taking me out to eat to lift my spirits.
But the second failure felt different.
I started feeling anxious about whether I could really pass this exam at all.
Although my score improved, it still felt hopeless compared to the amount of time I’d invested.
My family continued to support me, and my boyfriend told me we’d get married once I passed and to hang in there, but sometimes their encouragement felt suffocating.
Maybe it was because I set such high expectations for myself that even others’ hopes became a burden.
“Looks like studying stress is really something. How come you’ve lost so much weight?”
“What weight loss...”
Even though we hadn’t seen each other in a long time, Somi smiled without a trace of disappointment and took my arm.
Then, asking what I wanted to drink, she confidently pulled out her wallet.
For me, who had spent all the money I’d saved from a brief period of working while preparing for the civil service exam, this was an impossible scene.
I couldn’t help but feel a pang of relative deprivation.
“I’ll pay.”
Still, she spoke cheerfully as she nudged me away.
“Hey, how could a student afford to pay? I’m working now, so today’s on me.”
Without refusing any further, I said I’d have the cheapest Americano in the café and took my seat.
Seeing Somi after such a long time, she looked bright.
She said she was so tired her dark circles stretched down to her chin, but honestly, she looked confident enough to make me question if I should have just kept working a regular job instead.
If I’d known I’d end up this drained, I would have thought twice about preparing for the civil service exam.
With everyone rushing to become public servants, I kept doubting my own job, worried I wouldn’t be able to do it as I got older, and ended up jumping in far too carelessly.
“How have you been? Sorry, I haven’t kept in touch. Studying has been brutal.”
“I know. Don’t worry about it, I totally understand. After coffee, there’s a new place nearby — let’s go get a good meal.”
“Then I’ll pay for the meal!”
“Oh, what’s up with you? Studying’s made you all timid. Just shamelessly let me treat you today.”
“You must be tired from work too.”
“Probably less tired than you. I saw on the news recently that someone else committed suicide while preparing for the civil service exam. Ah, shoot...”
“...Yeah, I heard that too. Sometimes I wonder if preparing for this is really the right choice.”
For people like me, who tried to ease the uncertainty of the future by sitting and studying for years, failing felt like the world collapsing.
Because time flowed so aimlessly, it felt futile to keep studying while hoping for another chance at an exam that came only once a year.
Seeing my expression darken slightly, Somi flicked back her short hair and quickly changed the subject.
“But what about your boyfriend? Doesn’t he get upset that you don’t see him very often?”
“Oh, Kyuhyun? I may not have been born smart, but I guess I’ve been lucky with guys. He’s never once made me feel hurt or neglected.”
"Ugh, so jealous. You brat. Even I don’t have a boyfriend — and I don’t even study."
“Hehe.”
Kyuhyun, whom I've been dating for over two years now, was a lively and popular junior I met around the time I was about to graduate from university.
He was tall and loved basketball, and wherever he went, he was always surrounded by girls — so the fact that he asked me out still makes my heart flutter even now.
It all started when we bumped into each other at the library during exam season and had a quick coffee.
We had been together ever since.
Not long ago, he had landed a job at a small-to-medium-sized company, but it was still a big step.
Even though I hadn’t been able to see him often because of my exam prep — and had even seriously thought about breaking up once — he reassured me.
He told me not to worry, saying that waiting for me didn’t bother him at all.
That was the kind of person Kyuhyun was.
When Somi saw the smile spreading across my face as I talked about him, she rolled her eyes like she regretted asking, but she didn’t really show any real displeasure.
Honestly, during those tough moments when studying felt overwhelming, the brief phone calls I had with Kyuhyun were the only moments that helped clear my mind.
“By the way, how long have you and Kyuhyun been together now?”
“It’s been over two years already.”
“That’s a long time.”
“Actually, while preparing for the civil service exam, I even thought about breaking up... but he stopped me.”
“Really?”
Somi didn’t look very surprised by what I said and asked, “What did he say to stop you?”
It might have seemed strange, but since I believed so strongly that Kyuhyun was the one making sacrifices, I ended up talking about it almost proudly without realising it.
“He told me not to even think about it, that waiting for me wasn’t a big deal. After that, he even bought me cookies and snacks so I could study at the bakery.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Right? The more time passes, the more I realise how genuine he is. Oh — sorry about this.”
“Don’t be. You’re lucky to have someone like that.”
“Actually, after failing the exam this time, I was really crushed, but he comforted me, saying that if I pass the civil service exam next time, we should get married.”
“Married?”
“Yeah, I was shocked too. But I’ll be twenty-eight next year already. When did we get so old?”
“They say you blink and you’ll already be thirty.”
“Ugh. Don’t say that. I already feel pathetic enough, just getting older without anything to show for it.”
“I know you’re working really hard, but that’s exactly why you need to have confidence. Failing an exam doesn’t mean your life is over. You’ve made a brave decision and you’re investing in yourself.”
“Thanks… I just don’t know when that investment will finally pay off.”
These were things any exam taker might say, but still, after talking to Somi about it, I felt a lot lighter.
Since I wasn’t earning money and was just studying, I couldn’t really complain at home, so whenever I felt overwhelmed to the point of choking, I’d buy a can of beer, drink it, and go to bed to relieve the stress.
And the reason the stress was especially intense right now was because, after failing for the second time, I was standing at a major crossroads.
I hadn’t told anyone around me, but I was struggling with whether I should keep preparing for the civil service exam or just quit.
I was cautious about talking to Somi about that part, so I stopped bringing up studying and changed the subject.
She launched into a rant about a psycho-like woman at her workplace, practically foaming at the mouth with anger.
But even so, I couldn’t help laughing out loud at her sharp, colourful insults — something I hadn’t heard in ages.
Now that I think about it, I also had a difficult memory from my first job after graduating from university, where an older married man subtly hit on me in a way that made things uncomfortable.
Reflecting back on Somi’s story and recalling my own memories, I wasn’t sure whether working life was harder or preparing for the civil service exam was tougher.
It was hard to compare, but either way, I knew I had to make a decision soon.
“Crazy bitch. And she tells me to separate work and private life. Ordering deliveries to the office — is that how you separate work and personal life?”
“She’s one of those whose words and actions don’t match. You know how it is — there’s always one crazy person wherever you go. They say if there’s no crazy person around, you should start wondering if you’re the crazy one."
“Hehe. But I guess I’m a bit crazy too. At least among the employees, nobody dares to mess with me.”
“Knowing your personality… I can believe that.”
“Sigh. I really need to tone down this personality of mine.”
“When you get a boyfriend, you’ll naturally become softer. I became more feminine after meeting Kyuhyun.”
“Not this boyfriend talk again. Being single is so frustrating.”
I couldn’t help but laugh awkwardly as Kyuhyun’s name came up again, then I turned my head to look out the window.
Couples were walking arm in arm, sharing delicious food as they strolled by.
How could I ever forget Kyuhyun, who loved me even though I hadn't been able to do things like that for him lately, even for a moment?
I sighed deeply toward Somi, silently asking for her understanding, then took a long sip of my Americano.
Seeing that the once bitter Americano now tasted sweet, I realised I had grown up.
I was an adult who still had so many things to prepare for.
“By the way, when Kyuhyun said you’d get married if you pass the exam, did he mean that if you don’t pass, there won’t be a marriage?”
“Ah, he was just trying to cheer me up. There’s no way he really meant that. We haven’t seriously talked about marriage yet, but if I do get married, I want it to be with Kyuhyun.”
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“Well… marriage is a big deal. Do you trust him that much?”
“Of course. Who else would patiently wait for someone like me, who’s just studying and not working at all?”
Somi crossed her long legs and sipped her café latte, watching me with hearts practically sparkling in my eyes.
Somi, who graduated from the same university and used to say Kyuhyun and I were perfect for each other, hadn’t seemed very welcoming about it lately as she got older.
Since she had always said back in university that she wanted to marry a rich man and live comfortably, it seemed like a difference in values.
As I naturally reached an age where reality mattered more, I just accepted it and didn’t take it personally.
Although people said university friends were just superficial, Somi was one of the few friends who truly cared about me, and sometimes I found myself sharing my innermost thoughts with her even more than with my high school friends.
Seeing Somi’s rather displeased expression, I quickly changed the subject, stood up, and suggested that we go eat.
“Enough study talk. Dinner’s on me tonight. Let’s go!”
“Stop talking nonsense. Eat well and study hard. Tonight, this girl’s paying for everything.”
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