・・・・・
Somi paid not only for the coffee at the café, but also for the meal and even the drinks we had later that evening.
She waved off my repeated apologies coolly, telling me to pay her back once I get a job.
Amid all my uncertainty about whether to continue preparing for the civil service exam, I felt so grateful to have a friend like her.
Thanks to her generosity, I didn’t have to worry about the expenses on my date with Kyuhyun today.
Having spent all my savings and resorting to using my credit card, while occasionally borrowing a little allowance from my mum, part of the reason I thought about breaking up was because of my finances.
Every time I paid for a date, I would catch myself thinking, “This is too expensive,” and I started to dislike that about myself.
But thankfully, Kyuhyun was so kind that he usually bought the meals, and I just covered coffee, which helped ease my worries.
“Kyuhyun!”
At the meeting spot, I didn’t have to wait long before Kyuhyun appeared, neatly dressed, just coming out of the subway station.
Even though he was a guy, his sense of style was amazing — whenever he spotted a pretty pair of earrings, he always picked out better ones than I would and gifted them to me.
“Have you been waiting long?”
“No, I just got here!”
“Thank goodness. Sorry about the subway delay. By the way, your face looks a little swollen?”
“Oh my, you’re like a ghost! I met Somi yesterday — we had dinner and a quick drink.”
“You’re sitting so much studying that you get swollen right after drinking. I should find something that helps with blood circulation.”
“Thank you so much, even if it’s just words.”
“I checked the reviews for the movie we’re seeing tonight — it looks good. Let’s go.”
“Okay!”
Today, I got up earlier than usual to study so I could go on a date and watch a movie with Kyuhyun.
Admittedly, while studying, I wasn’t completely focused — I kept comparing two scenarios: A, if I continue studying for the civil service exam, and B, if I quit. But in the end, I still couldn’t come to a decision.
The movie Kyuhyun and I were watching was a superhero film popular enough to have a sequel.
As we sat side by side in the couple seats, I recalled a friend saying people loved fantasy because it helped them escape their dissatisfaction with reality.
And when he gently held my hand, even though we'd been dating for over two years, he smiled shyly.
“Should I have gotten some popcorn?”
“No, let’s eat after the movie! I’m still feeling a bit queasy from drinking yesterday.”
Since I was struggling to pay for dates, I became stingy about snacks or desserts.
At first, I thought ten thousand won here and there wasn’t a big deal, but after a few times, it started to feel like a real burden.
When I was working, I saved money diligently, and while preparing for the exam, I scrimped because I had no money.
I wondered when I would ever be able to live comfortably without worrying about money.
Though I kept my uneasy feelings hidden, I enjoyed the movie with Kyuhyun.
I’d actually met Somi yesterday and hung out, so I planned to go home early tonight to avoid staying out too late.
But unexpectedly, Kyuhyun stopped me and said, “It’s the weekend — let’s have a drink.”
Caught off guard by the sudden suggestion, I hesitated.
Kyuhyun said, “Not much, just one drink,” and told me about a new pub nearby.
He promised to get me home before the subway stopped running.
Seeing how considerate he was made a chill run down my spine — I was worried.
‘Has his patience finally run out after all this time?’
‘Is he frustrated with my pitiful situation of mentally calculating who will pay for the drinks even at this very moment?’
‘Is he about to break up with me?’
It might have just been a simple remark, but all sorts of negative thoughts flooded my mind.
When I nodded hesitantly, Kyuhyun immediately took my hand and led me toward the nearby pub.
Watching his back from a step behind, I thought that his neat, dandy look in the white T-shirt and jeans he was wearing today would be enough to make any woman fall for him, even if it weren’t me.
My chest tightened, and I wanted to ask: ‘Are you going to tell me you want to break up?’
The newly opened pub wasn’t very crowded, despite its polished appearance.
We sat at a quiet table, and soon the petite, charming owner came over, smiling and handed us the menu.
Contrary to my gloomy thoughts, Kyuhyun smiled as he took the menu and asked me what I wanted to drink.
“I’ll have a... Hoegaarden.” [1]
“Boss, one Hoegaarden and one draft beer, please. Do you want anything to eat?”
“No, I’m fine.”
Kyuhyun, who was always kind to everyone regardless of age or gender, smiled warmly as he accepted the Hoegaarden and passed it to me.
Seeing his smile, I felt reassured that he wasn’t suggesting we drink because he was upset or ready to break up, but still, my heart wouldn’t settle.
My grip on the beer glass kept tightening, betraying my nervousness.
“This beer here is really good. Want to try it?”
“Sure.”
The cool draft beer slid down my throat, but I couldn’t taste a thing.
“It’s good.”
“Right? Shall we come here often?”
“Yeah, let’s.”
“No, you’re studying hard. Not often, just sometimes, okay?”
“Thanks… It must be tough because I’m studying.”
“I told you not to say things like that. This is an important time for your future. Focus on your studies.”
“Huh…?”
“I said, focus on your studies. I’m fine.”
“Ah… thank you.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for. Once you pass the exam, we’ll start preparing for the wedding step by step, and you’ll be rewarded twice over for all the hard times.”
At that moment, as he spoke warmly, I almost choked up, tears threatening to spill.
His attitude was so different from what I expected that the contrast hit me even harder.
Honestly, anyone could see Kyuhyun was an amazing boyfriend.
While most girls worried about when they'd sleep together after they started dating, he always said he wanted to protect me and never once suggested going to a motel.
More than that, sometimes he was even more sensitive than I was — he’d sense when I was struggling without me saying a word and comfort me.
When I began studying, I was ready to break up with him, not because my feelings faded, but because I didn’t want him to see me struggling.
As I became quieter and tried to pull myself together, Kyuhyun, who was drinking draft beer, peeked over his glass with a worried look and asked:
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry… Kyuhyun.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“We don’t get to go on dates often, and even though you say you’re okay, I still worry about it.”
“You don’t have to think like that. Really.”
“But still … from my perspective…”
“Don’t say things like that anymore. If you do it again, I’ll really get mad.”
“…I’ll study hard.”
“I know you will. And I’m actually grateful you still spend time with me despite everything.”
“You shouldn’t say that either… We barely get to date often... Actually, I’ve been worried a lot lately.”
“What kind of worries? Did you fail the exam?”
“...Yeah. The first time I failed, I accepted it, but now it’s the second time… I’m really wondering if I should keep studying.”
“Hmm. That’s understandable.”
“I’ve thought about it really seriously. If I keep preparing for the civil servant exam, will I really see a way forward? Maybe it’s better to quit now.”
“What do you want to do?”
“...I know it might be disappointing to say this, but I don’t know. Should I continue or should I stop....”
Putting aside my anxious thoughts about possibly having to bring up a breakup, I took heavy gulps of Hoegaarden.
From afar, I could feel the owner’s gaze — perhaps because there were no other customers aside from us — but I drank half the glass in one go and bit down gently on my lower lip.
“To be honest, many people my age already have jobs and savings. Compared to them, I’m way behind. I’ve already spent all the money I had saved up."
“Yewon.”
“Yes..?”
“Just because things are like this now doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way.”
“…Mmm.”
“If you’re having trouble deciding, it means you still have feelings for the civil service exam. But you’re shaken because of your surroundings and the failures.”
“...”
“You know Koreans like three chances, right? If you can’t decide easily, think of it as giving it one more shot with everything you’ve got.”
“Kyuhyun…”
“Like you said, this isn’t your first failure, but the second, so it hits harder. That’s why I asked you to drink with me today.”
“Really?”
“You probably relieved some stress with your friends, but you don’t usually say things like this to me."
“I know you’re working hard too, so I felt bad sharing this with you…”
“Sometimes, you should open up to me. After all, I’m your boyfriend.”
My heart, which had been fluttering, swelled with emotion, and tears fell.
I wondered if there could ever be another boyfriend as angelic as Kyuhyun.
I felt pathetic for worrying without knowing how deeply he cared.
The restless feelings in my chest calmed, and a renewed passion to try once more rose inside me.
After two years of study, throwing it all away felt like wasting my time.
I believed if I pushed just a bit longer, I could pass.
Those feelings held me tight, refusing to let me go.
Besides, if I promised myself this would be my last try and gave it my all, even if I failed, I wouldn’t have regrets.
Somehow, I even felt an irrational confidence that I could succeed.
“I… I’ll really try hard. I’ll give it everything I’ve got, one last time, Kyuhyun.”
“That’s right. You’ll do great.”
“Thank you… I’m so glad you’re my boyfriend.”
Kyuhyun gave an embarrassed, bashful smile and gently ruffled my hair.
Seeing how kind he was, sometimes I found myself wanting to be the one to make the first move toward intimacy. But whenever that happened, he’d gently remind me that he just wanted to protect me.
After that, I felt too shy to even bring it up anymore.
Whenever I told friends we hadn’t slept together yet, they either didn’t believe me or were surprised.
Kyuhyun said he didn’t want to rush things since he was already planning to marry me, but his way of thinking was definitely very different from most men nowadays.
After laying bare the full weight of my gloom, I eased my tense grip on the cup.
Then, turning to Kyuhyun, who now felt closer than before, I spoke, as if unburdening everything.
“I have to study tomorrow, so I’ll just have this one drink. Then I’ll get back to working hard. Please wait for me a little longer."
Translator's Corner:
[1] A Belgian-style white beer made from malted barley, unmalted wheat, hops, coriander, and orange peel. It’s pale and hazy with a frothy head, featuring a citrusy, fruity, and spicy aroma and taste. Light-bodied, refreshing, mildly bitter, and balanced with a moderate 4.9% alcohol.
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