A day had passed since the temple visit, but perhaps due to accumulated fatigue, I kept feeling weak and worn out.
I was thinking so much about the elderly woman that her face appeared vividly in my mind, but perhaps from the exhaustion of dealing with the king in the bath, I was leaning on something almost constantly whenever I wasn’t lying down.
By the time I had finally pulled myself together, sometime in the afternoon, I went outside following the eunuch who had come at the king’s command. He only said that the king was calling, and as he stood there, he glanced at my hair, where roots had grown and turned black during my stay here.
After all, since my hair had been dyed, the colour would grow out with it, and if I stayed here, even this trace marking me as someone from a foreign place would soon disappear.
Somehow, the more my hair grew and the dye faded from view, the heavier the harsh reality felt, that I might have to live here for good.
I had to see that old woman again.
As I followed the eunuch, I occasionally caught sight of courtiers in their formal attire here and there. Not up close, but from a distance.
Even though the king was the highest authority and I saw him often, seeing the courtiers made a fleeting fear rise in me, perhaps under the influence of the dramas I had watched. The invisible blades among courtiers, where people were ordered to take lives to fulfil their superiors’ wishes, were the kind of stories I had often seen in dramas.
Could it really be like that in reality? Well, judging by what Buyeon Yuhwa had done, it certainly seemed so.
It was shocking, enough to feel as if a whole piece of my heart had been cut out, but even so, it made me fully realise just how terrifying the palace truly was.
“Please come in.”
The eunuch who opened the door stepped back politely and gestured toward a place clearly packed with books. It felt like a library I had often visited while studying for exams, a cosy space where quiet lingered in every corner.
I cautiously looked around, wondering why I had been summoned here, and, after walking only a short distance, I unexpectedly saw the king sitting and reading a book.
At the sound of my footsteps, he gave me a look as if asking: ‘Did you come?’ and signalled with his eyes toward the desk where a teacup was placed.
Perhaps the reason his gaze felt so gentle was because of the cosiness of this place.
“You still look tired.”
Even though I had studied Chinese characters while preparing for the civil service exam, I couldn’t make out the characters in the book the king was reading. As I sat in the chair, making the familiar creak of the wooden floor beneath me, I noticed General Hunmu standing at a distance with his sword at his side, something I hadn’t noticed while I was standing.
“Do you like reading books?”
“There were many times I had to read for study, but I didn’t usually read in my own time.”
“This is a place I often like to come to. Since it is quiet, it allows me to escape from my complicated thoughts.”
The king slid the book he had been reading toward me and gave a look that asked if I could read it. I recognised a few characters, but reading the entire book was difficult, and I couldn’t understand its meaning, so I shook my head.
“I can recognise a few characters, but it’s hard to understand their meaning.”
“If you had studied for a long time in the place you lived, you wouldn’t not know.”
“We use a script other than Hanja.” [1]
As I was saying those words, it suddenly occurred to me: if I were to teach Hangul here in advance, would it perhaps change the future?
Like with the butterfly effect, where the future kept changing depending on the protagonist’s actions, what would happen if I introduced Hangul, created by King Sejong, to this place that still used Chinese characters? Would the future be overturned in ways I could never have imagined?
As I suddenly had that thought for the first time, a fear arose that my actions, tone, and words here could have tremendous ripple effects.
If the small things I casually said, without much thought, ended up changing the future one by one, perhaps when I returned, an entirely different life would be waiting for me.
Why did I only think of this now?
“Why… did you summon me here?”
Worried that the king might ask what kind of writing I used in my world, I quickly changed the subject.
“I called you because I thought you might be lonely. In a place where you don’t know anyone, if I don’t look out for you, who will?”
“Pardon?”
“Saying ‘thank you’ is enough.”
What was this? He almost seemed quietly proud of his own actions.
Unlike me, who felt slightly embarrassed, the king returned to reading the book I couldn’t read.
Honestly, from my perspective, it would have been more comfortable to just lie in my room right now, but he showed me himself reading his book and softly turning the pages.
As I watched the king, I lifted my head and saw General Hunmu slowly close his eyes and then open them again. Perhaps because our eyes met, it seemed as if he was silently telling me to stay still, so I remained quiet.
“What is Narae doing?”
“When I came out, she was watching where I was going… She doesn’t bark loudly and is gentle, so she receives a lot of affection.”
“It was a good decision to let you raise her.”
I wondered if the boy who gave us the puppy and ran down with his younger sibling had told his father exactly as the king had instructed.
In the bath, his cold gaze had been quite frightening, but recalling that day in this cosy space, the king seemed gentle once again.
He was a man of dual nature. Push him a little further, and he could almost be on the level of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. [2]
“Since you can’t read, there’s nothing for you to read even if you come here.”
“...Yes.”
“Wait a moment. There is something that you can read.”
At the king’s words, General Hunmu, who had been standing at a distance, immediately came to stand right in front of him. But the king rose and walked toward the door I had entered. General Hunmu hurriedly tried to say he would go instead, but the king shook his head.
“You stay here.”
“Pardon? If Your Majesty instructs me, I can handle it personally…”
“This is the palace. I may have no one who dares oppose me, but what would happen if I left that woman alone?”
“...”
“It wouldn’t look good for the courtiers to see you with me, so wait here for a while.”
Since when did the king, whom I thought might kill me, change like this and actually start protecting me?
When General Hunmu bowed at the king’s words, the king glanced at me once, then closed the door and left. I wondered what kind of book it was that wasn’t even here and that he had to go all the way to get, and I also had the whimsical thought that perhaps he might suddenly bring a book written in Hangul.
After the king left, General Hunmu stood with his back to the door, as if ready to obey orders. Our eyes met briefly, but seeing his sheathed sword and vaguely recalling Sucheong, I quickly fixed my gaze straight ahead.
I had even shouted at him to move aside when we came back from the temple, so I felt rather awkward.
“The elderly person you were interested in.”
Flinch.
I hadn’t expected General Hunmu to speak first. Especially about that elderly woman.
“Was it really because they looked alike?”
“…Yes.”
“...”
“Why do you suddenly ask that?”
“The king may have believed it, but I do not.”
“It’s not a lie…”
“I know where that elderly woman lives.”
“!”
“Her appearance is distinctive, so she wasn’t difficult to find. She was a shaman when she was young.”
“Does that elderly woman live nearby? Where can I go to see her…”
So she was a shaman in her youth. Hearing General Hunmu’s words, I felt even more unsettled and asked him urgently. But before long, my words caught in my throat because of the way he was looking at me.
After mentioning that I had run down shouting because she resembled someone I knew, I realised that even earnestness had already flickered across my face. I tried belatedly to control my expression, but General Hunmu asked in a sharp, indifferent voice.
“She’s just someone who looks alike, so why are you curious?”
Caught off guard by General Hunmu’s unexpected words, I hesitated, unsure how to respond. But when he mentioned that he knew where the elderly woman lived, I could no longer pretend to be indifferent just to maintain the lie.
“She’s not just someone who looks alike. She’s someone I must meet.”
Just like when I shouted for him to move at the waterfall, my face now showed a resolute determination, and General Hunmu approached with a look that said I was finally telling the truth. I wanted to know where she lived before the king returned, but in truth, even if I heard it, finding her would be impossible without his help.
“I must meet her. Please take me to her.”
“What’s the reason?”
“...”
“You had that same expression when you jumped into the waterfall. Does it have something to do with going back?”
“If I speak honestly, will you take me to her?”
“If it involves betraying the king, I cannot help you.”
“Betrayal? I would never do anything like that.”
“As long as the king holds you in his favour, how could I possibly help you return?”
“Ha…”
“...”
“My parents, my friends — my entire life — vanished as I was cast to this place. And yet, must I forsake the chance to return just because the king favours me?”
“What reason do I have to help you?”
“That’s…”
“I am someone who serves the king. Why should someone like me help you?”
I could not answer General Hunmu immediately. I had vowed not to trouble him further after the matter with Sucheong, yet here I was, shamelessly making my plea once more. Still, to remain silent might mean losing what could be my only chance in life to return.
“Before I fell into this place, I saw that elderly woman — not here, but in the place where I lived. So if I meet her, I might be able to find a way to return. And even if I cannot, I might at least learn why I ended up here. I will not betray the king. I just need to meet her once… Please… There is no one else I can ask for help but you, General Hunmu.”
“...”
“I cannot stay here indefinitely, with no promise of when I might leave. In this terrifying palace… until when…”
“As long as you have the king’s favour, you will be safe.”
“And if the king should lose interest in me… what will become of me then…?”
“...”
“Is there anyone who can protect me…?”
While I was speaking, General Hunmu placed his hand over my lips, then he silently stood by the door. Not long after, I saw the king appear, holding a book in his hand, and I let out a quiet, deep sigh to myself.
It suddenly then occurred to me that General Hunmu, too, must have grown sensitive, never fully at ease while staying here.
Thinking that, I knew I shouldn’t ask him for anything that would make things harder, but I could never be completely honest with the king.
Recalling what happened in the bath made it all the more so.
“This is it.”
The king, who was once again seated in front of me, held out the book. I asked awkwardly what it was, but all I could think was that perhaps General Hunmu’s heart might be even slightly moved by my words. Yet the fleeting glance I caught of him wasn’t directed at me. Standing by the door, he existed no more and no less than a figure strictly guarding the king.
“This is the book I saw when I was a child.”
When the king opened the book, it contained illustrations rather than many Chinese characters. It was somewhat like the picture books I often saw as a child. Though not bright or colourful, the orchids, flowers, puppies, and lions, carefully drawn in dark ink, made me force a small, reluctant smile.
“Isn’t this the kind of book children use to learn characters…?”
“That’s right. It seems you have something similar where you live.”
“It’s a little different, but it does exist.”
“Use this to study the Hanja characters. I started that way myself. To live here, you should at least be able to read the basics, shouldn’t you?”
Even though I disliked Chinese characters while preparing for civil service exams, I now had to relearn them to live here.
Could it be that General Hunmu truly had no intention of telling me where that elderly woman lived? Did he bring up her story just to see whether the truth he had inferred was correct?
As I turned the carefully drawn pages one by one, I paused at a flower illustration touched with red.
As if I were a child, I lingered over the illustrations, pausing in front of a particularly pretty one. The king, noticing this, spoke in a rather gentle voice.
“They say the person who made this book drew the flower they saw in a dream.”
“A flower from a dream…?”
“The petals were red and bloomed in clusters, and he tried to identify the flower, but couldn’t.”
“It looks like a sangsahwa.” [3]
“Sangsahwa?”
“Yes.”
“What kind of flower is that?”
He didn’t know the sangsahwa? Its symbolic meaning was quite famous and often appeared in poems and paintings, though.
Perhaps in his time, that flower didn’t exist, or maybe, being the king, he simply never had the chance to encounter it.
“There’s a flower that looks similar to this. It’s called the sangsahwa.”
The sangsahwa, often called the flower of unattainable love.
The sangsahwa, whose name meant that the flower thought of the leaves and the leaves thought of the flower, was said to bloom without leaves, and when the leaves grew, the flower did not bloom.
“It’s similar to ‘sangsa’, [4] isn’t it? Does it have the same meaning?”
“No… the flower is beautiful, so it does not carry such a sad meaning.”
For some reason, I ended up lying to the king in that moment. Perhaps because he had reacted so sensitively when I wasn’t beside him, I didn’t want to mention anything negative.
He turned the pages of the book for me and said he would teach me Chinese characters little by little from now on.
As long as he wasn’t provoked, he seemed to show a side that grew softer over time. But at that moment, I thought that no matter how our relationship developed, he and I could never escape a bond like that of the sangsahwa.
He was someone who could make even Kyuhyun fade from my mind, yet our relationship was like that of the sangsahwa — the flower and leaves that were never meant to meet.
Even if I had to persuade General Hunmu, I wanted to meet the old woman so that I could return to the place where I once lived.
Translator's Corner:
[1] Hanja are the Chinese characters (Hanzi) that are used in the Korean language.
[2] This refers to the characters in "Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," where Dr. Jekyll is a moral, kind, well-respected scientist who has an alter ego, Mr. Hyde, who is the polar opposite and embodies evil. Source: https://www.sparknotes.com/lit/jekyll/character/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
[3] The sangsahwa (상사화) is the Korean name for the red spider lily, or Lycoris radiata. In Korea, the red spider lily represents a tragic love unable to meet, with a strong sense of longing.
According to legend, a monk and a woman fell in love but could not be together; after death, they became the flower and leaf, which never meet, metaphorising the sorrow of fated separation. Source: https://fafulflorist.com/blogs/information/higanbana-meaning
[4] He's asking if it's similar to the word 'sangsa' (상사), which in archaic or poetic usage, means mutual longing, lovesickness, pining for someone.
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