The day had finally arrived. The banquet I had vaguely wondered if it would ever come was finally here, and I found myself paralysed, caught in complete indecision.
After General Hunmu’s visit the night before, I spent the night wide awake, unable to get a single moment of sleep. I ran through countless choices again and again, erasing and reconsidering them, and when I saw the bright sunlight streaming in from outside, I realised there was no turning back.
“Were you unable to sleep?”
“Just thinking about today’s banquet had my heart all aflutter last night… hehe.”
I asked Bin, who kept covering her mouth to stifle yawns, and she said she, too, had lain awake all night. Though our sleepless nights were for entirely different reasons, I — unable even to yawn — responded with a wry, bitter smile.
“My lady, is something troubling you?”
But when Bin asked, perhaps sensing the jumble of nervousness and anxiety I couldn’t hide, I quickly shook my head.
I made a determined effort to keep my expression composed. From morning, amidst the palace’s bustling preparations for the banquet, my attitude and face must have seemed odd to anyone who noticed.
Fortunately, on banquet days, the king would, from early morning, visit the place where the ancestral tablets of his predecessors were kept and pay his respects with his officials, allowing me to keep my emotions hidden.
“Did you not sleep well?”
But by the afternoon, when the king arrived, he immediately noticed from my face that I hadn’t slept.
Though I had diligently practised keeping my expression in check, his keen perception saw right through me. I repeated to him what Bin had said to me earlier.
“I suppose I was a little excited about the grand banquet, so I didn’t get to sleep until late.”
I averted my gaze from the king’s worried expression as his hand gently touched my cheek when I mentioned that I hadn’t slept well.
The fortunate thing was that, until yesterday, I had been tormented by guilt that felt suffocating. But today, the guilt was somewhat lighter, weighed down instead by the thought that I might be found out and by concern for General Hunmu.
I simply wished for this hellish day to pass quickly, so that, in some way, a conclusion could finally be reached.
“Are you feeling alright?”
Even so, recalling how I had collapsed yesterday, the king asked me such a question. Feeling uneasy, I nodded and, claiming I was hungry, tried in every way to slip away. Since I never dined with the king, this was my only way to be alone.
I must be truly cowardly. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything and could only watch with my own eyes as this day finally arrived.
The king, who had been concerned about my weight loss, nodded cheerfully when I mentioned being hungry and said we would meet at the banquet in the evening.
Normally, I wouldn’t be able to eat this much, but I found myself shoving large amounts of rice and side dishes into my mouth, secretly wishing that the banquet would start a little later.
Clinging to my jumbled, chaotic feelings, I followed Bin when I heard the trumpet signalling the start of the banquet. The atmosphere, already filling the palace, was distinctly different from the daytime.
Colourful, beautiful lanterns hung in the sky like stars, and by the time I arrived at the banquet hall, the women were already performing elaborate dances to the accompaniment of music.
But the moment I appeared, the courtiers who were seeing me up close for the first time each expressed their bewilderment in their own way, unable to take their eyes off me. The same went for the women seated right next to the king, whose identities I did not know.
If anything, their gazes were almost piercing.
Only the king sprang to his feet at my arrival and gestured for me to sit in the seat right next to him. But perhaps it went against court etiquette, for I could see the courtiers’ expressions darken sharply at the king’s gesture.
"It suits you well."
I hesitated for a long time over whether or not to wear the norigae the king had given me. The thought weighed heavily that I couldn’t brazenly wear it while causing him pain, especially when he had no idea what might happen today.
But thinking of General Hunmu, who was trying to help me, I feared that if today’s plan were to fail, it could mean his death, so I forced myself to wear it and stepped out, determined not to be discovered.
“Thank you. It seems even more beautiful now that I’m wearing it with my hanbok.”
Indeed, even while I was seated, the norigae caught the eyes of women seeing it for the first time. Whether it was because it was beautiful or because they were surprised it had been given by the king, I couldn’t say for certain — but it definitely made me stand out more.
But would I really be able to leave this place once today was over?
Feeling the silent exclamations of the courtiers who were clearly uncomfortable with me, I gently closed my eyes and opened them again.
‘I truly do not belong here.’
And to prevent even a moment of guilt from taking hold of my heart, I forced myself into a sort of self-hypnosis, telling myself that there was nothing in the palace worth caring about and that I had to leave.
Watching the music of traditional court instruments and the skirts fluttering like flowers, the thought that I would wound the king on his most splendid day remained unchanged.
“If there’s anything you want to eat, just tell me. A lot has been prepared for today.”
“I ate quite a lot earlier. Thank you for your concern.”
“I hope the banquet today will bring you joy.”
The king’s hand lightly brushed my shoulder and then withdrew. Even such a small gesture drew the courtiers’ glances once more, as they pretended not to look, yet their eyes struck like daggers,
Only then did I suddenly wonder where Buyeon Yuhwa was. But I figured perhaps she couldn’t come yet because she hadn’t become queen.
She was a woman who hated me enough to want me dead, so perhaps it was better not to see her sitting so close.
Come to think of it, when would the sword dance begin? Everyone was entranced by the performers, wearing animal-inspired masks and moving in dazzling, dynamic patterns, but I couldn’t watch in peace, thinking of General Hunmu waiting somewhere. I was looking, yet I couldn’t truly see.
But then, suddenly, a wave of dizziness hit me even while I was sitting. It was so strong that I swayed in my seat and had to grab the edge of the table in front of me to steady myself.
“Are you alright?!”
Before I knew it, the king had stood up and approached me after seeing that, but fortunately, I wasn’t dizzy enough to collapse, so I just nodded.
“I’m fine. It was just a sudden cramp.”
I said that to the king, but at the same time, the full moon floating above the palace walls shone down, making it feel as if someone were signalling that the time to leave was approaching.
"I’m really fine."
I forced a smile at him, who, with a worried expression, was paying attention to me despite the courtiers’ glances.
“Please return to your seat… everyone is watching Your Majesty.”
“There’s no need to worry about that.”
“I… can’t help but worry.”
“If you feel even slightly unwell, we will halt the banquet, so let me know.”
“Not at all, Your Majesty. Watching such splendid dancing truly delights me."
Even after I said that, I gave the king a blink, though he was still watching me with a worried expression. Only when I saw him slowly return to his seat did I realise that once the sword dance began, it would be uncertain whether I could slip away.
The only thing I could take some comfort in was that, as the banquet began and drink after drink was poured, the sharp glances that had been fixed on me earlier had softened somewhat.
If I could just seize this chance to slip away — the key was to avoid the king’s gaze.
But slipping out unnoticed was absolutely impossible. I would have to find another way.
Dudung-dudung.
Just as the banquet was in full swing, the music suddenly took on a heavy, pounding rhythm. From afar, a group of men dressed in black came rushing in, and I could immediately sense that the sword dance was about to begin.
It was the exact moment General Hunmu had mentioned.
My heartbeat, which I had barely managed to calm, quickened again, and cold sweat broke out on my palms.
How could I get out of there? Would I really be able to leave the palace today? And what about the king?
Questions without answers crowded my mind relentlessly. Amid it all, cruelly, the sword dance began, with one man sharply thrusting his sword into the air.
‘I have to go.’
‘I must go. General Hunmu is waiting for me.’
‘Then what about the king? What will happen to that wounded man?’
‘Am I going to leave like this and hurt him again?’
My thoughts thrashed violently as I watched the men dancing with sharp swords, so piercing that I wished I could bury my head somewhere to make them stop.
“Remember. It’s when the sword dance starts.”
"Your Majesty!"
“What is the matter?”
“...I…”
"Are you feeling any discomfort?"
"…No, not really… It’s just that I might have eaten a bit too much earlier. My stomach feels a little uncomfortable — may I step out for a moment? It’s nothing serious, so it should only take a short while."
"Are you truly alright? If the banquet is too noisy and you’re feeling uncomfortable, we can stop it."
"No! …Just a moment… It’ll only be a moment."
Unlike the banquet, where a drink or two had loosened the atmosphere, the lies I told made my insides feel precarious, as if something were gnawing at them with every passing moment.
If the king were worried and wanted to send someone along, I would never be able to reach General Hunmu.
"Would a moment be enough?"
“Pardon?”
“I asked if a moment would be enough.”
“...”
It might have been nothing more than a passing question. Yet at some point, the grand music and the sounds of swords swinging in the dance faded completely from my ears.
The king’s lips asking if a moment would be enough, and his gaze on me, made the world go silent. My heart, at the thought of leaving this wounded man alone, joined them in shutting everything out
“…A moment is enough…”
"Then go, and come back."
There was no way he knew what I was thinking, right? Asking again if a moment would be enough was probably just because he was concerned.
No — by asking like that, could he possibly know where I was trying to go?
But his expression showed no trace of suspicion. At my words that a moment would be enough, he simply nodded and continued to look at me.
I slowly turned my body. Once again, the grand music swelled, and the swords splitting the air in dazzling patterns caught my eye.
But my legs quivered as I walked. The tender gestures he had shown me the day before suddenly surged in my mind all at once.
Even the voice that asked twice if a moment would be enough, something that I could have just brushed off, now buzzed incessantly in my ears.
But I couldn’t stop walking. Even though my heart felt torn into a thousand pieces, I could never stop, because General Hunmu was there, willing to sacrifice everything for me once again.
Tuk.
“Haa…”
I hadn’t even decided where I was supposed to meet General Hunmu. I just walked aimlessly, without looking back, until the king was out of sight.
When the noisy sounds of the banquet died down and the lights dimmed, the one who grabbed my arm as I walked, while lost in a daze, was General Hunmu.
But I must have been crying without realising it. General Hunmu’s face appeared pale and blurred. Only after I closed my eyes for a moment did my vision clear, and I wiped my face with my hand.
"I came out when the sword dance started… Was I too late?"
“...”
"Since I told His Majesty a short moment would be enough… he told me to go, so I came out."
I told General Hunmu things I didn’t even need to say. When I fell silent, fearing my emotions might well up again, he draped a cloth over my face to hide it and took my hand.
I had been startled back then, but precisely because of that, from now on, I couldn’t be discovered by anyone in the palace.
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