It felt like she had been doused in ice water.
Her mind went stark white, but her senses remained painfully sharp — every word she didn’t want to hear rang out with unbearable clarity.
“Watch what you say.”
Alicia gritted her teeth.
Even if it was James, some lines shouldn’t be crossed.
She couldn’t let him disgrace Cabelenus any further with such absurd claims.
"My lady."
“His Highness isn’t the kind of person to do that.”
“My sister said the same thing you just did, my lady.”
“...”
“Everyone tried to stop her, but she insisted her lover was different from the rest of the nobles. That he deeply loved her and cherished her. But in the end, all she received in return was coldness and ridicule.”
James couldn’t bring himself to look at Alicia and shut his eyes.
Though her trembling gaze pained him, there was nothing he could do.
It was a relationship doomed from the start.
And however cruel it felt, it was better to sever it quickly and face reality than let the pain fester.
No matter what Alicia did, she could never be happy with Cabelenus.
Their worlds were just too far apart.
“No. You’re wrong. His Highness is different.”
James opened his eyes again, stirred by the firmness in her voice.
The gaze he had assumed would crumble was, at some point, no longer wavering.
"I understand that this is a reality difficult for you to accept as you are now, my lady. But you must acknowledge it."
“Acknowledge what?”
“That the place beside His Highness was never yours, my lady.”
“If it’s not mine, then whose is it?”
Alicia shot him a cold, piercing glare.
“Even if it sounds cruel, that’s the reality.”
"No."
"My lady."
“His Highness promised me. He said he'd give himself to me.”
Alicia shook her head violently, her jaw clenched tight.
Cabelenus was hers.
He was her man. Not anyone else's.
To deny that truth was something she couldn’t allow.
“Anyone can say those things. They can swear they'd tear out their own heart or pluck the stars from the sky. But in the end, they’re just words.”
“...”
"When I look at you, my lady, I see my sister. She blindly trusted a man who said he would leave his family and run away with her. In the end, he abandoned her, and on the day of his wedding, she hanged herself."
James took a deep breath, trying to keep his fury from bubbling over.
Though it happened long ago, just recalling that day made him feel like all the blood in his body had dried up.
"I…"
"I know you’ll say it’s different. I understand that it’s something you don’t want to admit, something too hard to accept. But if someday your heart comes to terms with it, I hope you’ll think of me, even if only for a moment."
James’s voice had somehow grown moist with emotion.
If only his sister had confided in him just once — even to find some comfort. But she suffered alone, and in the end, she hanged herself.
Was the shock simply too great? Or was it because he was her much younger brother, and she couldn’t rely on him?
Now that she was gone, he would never know the reason, but James always wondered.
He wondered if, back then, if only his sister had even a little shade to rest under, the worst outcome might have been avoided.
“I am but a humble painter, yet I have enough means to help you, my lady. That’s what I wanted to say.”
"I didn’t hear anything."
"Understood. If that’s what you want."
She wanted to unleash harsh words, but when she saw that faint, resigned smile, no other words came to mind.
Alicia bit her lip nervously, then abruptly turned her head away from James.
She tried to ignore her feelings and pressed down hard on her chest with her palm, but it was no use.
Her heart was pounding — fast and loud.
・・・・・
“Has His Highness been in contact?”
“Yes. He said it would be difficult for him to come for the time being.”
‘Why? How come? Could it be that the story I heard is true?’
Alicia swallowed the question she couldn’t bring herself to voice.
She wanted to believe without doubt, but seeing the empty bed made Cabelenus’s absence feel even heavier.
“Shall I bring you some tea, my lady?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll just sleep.”
“Alright. I will prepare the bed for you.”
Madame Morco tucked the blanket up to Alicia’s chin and waited silently until her breathing evened out before quietly leaving the room.
Unaware that the moment the door closed, a pair of ash-grey eyes appeared.
Alicia cautiously sat up, glancing around.
With the heavy curtains drawn tight, no light penetrated the room.
She stared into the darkness, lost in thought.
Recently, she realised she had become driven by emotion.
That was why James’s words wouldn’t fade from her mind.
Yet despite knowing this, she couldn’t calm herself.
“His Highness wouldn’t do something like that.”
She lightly tapped her cheek, trying to chase away her thoughts, but the lingering doubt wouldn’t fully disappear.
The Cabelenus in James’s story wasn’t so different from the man she remembered.
Day after day, he showered her with gifts and promised her a place by his side.
Because she knew this better than anyone, Alicia felt restless.
She wanted to question Cabelenus, yet at the same time, she was reluctant to do so.
Because she feared coming face to face with Cabelenus’s cold look.
‘Would it have been better if I had a child?’
Alicia lowered her head helplessly.
Even though she knew she wasn’t fit to be a proper parent, the thought still came.
If a child could be the shackle that held Cabelenus close, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have one.
'…I really don’t deserve to be a parent.'
Alicia’s shoulders sagged.
She was ashamed — ashamed that it wasn’t anyone else, but she herself who had tried to treat her own child as a tool.
It left her feeling disgusted to be reminded again whose blood ran through half her child’s veins.
Her hand drifted slowly downwards.
Touching her flat belly had become a quiet habit.
“I’m sorry, little one.”
Though no child truly existed, she felt sorry for harbouring such thoughts, even if it was only for a moment.
Sometimes, she even felt as if someone were truly inside her.
Alicia pressed down the growing sadness and leaned back against the headboard.
The hardwood against her back unexpectedly brought back forgotten memories, but she deliberately ignored them and quietly closed her eyes.
“I once heard this story. Children watch over those who will become their parents before they’re born. I never thought much of it before, but recently, that story keeps coming to mind.”
‘What if that story is true, and you’re watching me right now?’
Tension crept into her delicate fingertips.
She still wasn’t ready to be a parent, but, at the very least, she hoped the child wouldn’t get hurt.
“I still don’t want you. But that doesn’t mean I hate you. It’s not your fault at all. It’s just that I’m not ready yet. So…”
Alicia’s hand, which had been resting on her belly, froze in place.
She wrinkled the bridge of her nose.
It was only for a moment, but she was sure it was a familiar feeling.
‘Could it be…?’
Alicia hurriedly inspected herself.
She checked her condition repeatedly, trying to find the sensation she had just felt.
But no matter how much she checked, she couldn’t feel anything.
‘Was it just my imagination? If not, then is it really the power…’
Click.
At the sound of the door, Alicia instinctively lifted her head.
Though her eyes, accustomed to the dark, couldn’t immediately make out the visitor’s face, she recognised him at once.
“...I thought you couldn’t come.”
“I thought you were asleep.”
“If you were coming, why’d you say you weren’t?”
“I didn’t know when I’d be able to find the time, so I didn’t want to keep you waiting endlessly.”
“...”
“Are you angry?”
At the carefully posed question, Alicia’s mouth quivered.
The moment she saw the man awkwardly watching her, the anxiety that had been tormenting her instantly melted away, almost laughably simple.
“…Do I look angry?”
"Your voice sounds sharper than usual. And you also have an angry expression."
"There's no way you can see my face from there."
"I can see it — and very clearly at that. And..."
This way, he could see it even clearly.
Cabelenus strode over and gently cupped Alicia’s face.
“Have you been waiting long?”
“No.”
"It’s hard to believe you when the corners of your eyes are wet."
“...”
"I'm sorry. I knew you were feeling down, so I wanted to come see you as soon as I had even a little time."
With a tenderness that didn't match the rough fingertips, he gently stroked the corner of her eye.
With tears threatening to spill, Alicia couldn’t hold back and embraced Cabelenus.
“I missed you. Truly.”
With her face buried in Cabelenus’s nape, she whimpered like a child craving comfort.
She didn’t want to be emotional, but she couldn’t explain why she kept getting swept up by her feelings in these moments.
It was as if someone else was pulling the strings.
“You must have waited a long time.”
Cabelenus’s grip tightened.
Alicia pressed deeper into his arms and closed her eyes.
“I heard something bad.”
“What is it?”
There was a hint of displeasure in Cabelenus’s voice.
Alicia grabbed onto Cabelenus’s sleeve tightly.
“They said Your Highness will be engaged to the princess of the Christie Kingdom.”
“...”
For a moment, the hand that had been soothing her back stopped, but Alicia didn’t notice.
She was simply focused on holding on tightly, afraid she might lose the man in her arms.
"It doesn’t make any sense."
“...”
"Your Highness, no. Cabelenus wouldn’t do that."
“...”
“...Cabelenus?”
Only after a long silence did Alicia realise something was off and lift her head.
But the man’s face was shrouded in darkness, making it impossible to read his expression.
All she could see were his golden eyes.
Those golden eyes shone brightly even in the dark, refusing to lose their colour.
The eyes that always seemed steady were now trembling.
Alicia swallowed reflexively.
In the stillness, the sound of her gulping saliva seemed unnaturally loud.
“...It’s not true, is it?”
“...”
“No, it can’t be.”
"Please, just tell me it’s not true.”
Unable to bear the silence, Alicia urged Cabelenus.
Cabelenus couldn’t resist the desperate look in her eyes and reached out, gripping Alicia’s shoulder.
“...It’s not.”
He didn’t want to lie.
Because to him, Alicia was the only person who ever stirred guilt within him.
But Alicia’s frail, weakened body held him back from saying everything.
Right now, Alicia needed to take care of her own body before anything else.
“It’s not true?”
“Yes. It’s nothing at all.”
The man’s voice that followed carried more strength than before.
Adding another lie on top of the first one wasn’t difficult.
"Is it really nothing? The princess of the Christie Kingdom is staying at Schwarhan Castle, and the fact that she and Your Highness are engaged — all of it?"
Alicia stared intently up at Cabelenus.
Even at that moment, her hand was clenched tightly over the back of his, veins bulging from the strength of her grip.
“Are you very anxious?”
He tried to soothe her by gently stroking the back of her hand, but her grip didn’t loosen at all.
"Because I know I’m being overly greedy."
“...”
“In the end, the only thing I can lean on is Your Highness’s heart. And holding onto that means, if Your Highness’s heart changes, everything could end in an instant.”
Alicia’s eyelashes trembled.
She knew better than anyone why she felt so anxious.
"Right now, I’m no different from a dog — endlessly wagging my tail and following the one who feeds me."
“Don’t say such nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense. That’s the objective truth.”
Alicia shook her head weakly.
No matter how much they sugarcoated it, a relationship that was heavily skewed to one side rather than balanced clearly showed who truly held the power.
"You said you would become a duchess who suits me."
“That’s a story for the future. Not now.”
“...”
"I want to do my best for a future with you, Cabelenus, and I will. But to reach that future, I need certainty."
Alicia leaned toward him somewhat hastily.
She could clearly feel Cabelenus tense up at the closeness of their breath.
Cabelenus was clearly shaken by her.
But that was as far as it went.
The reason she could be by that man’s side like this was because he allowed it.
Cabelenus could keep Alicia by his side by force if he wanted, but Alicia couldn’t do the same.
If Cabelenus were to abandon her, no matter how much she struggled, Alicia wouldn’t be able to stay by his side.
In the end, it was Cabelenus who decided the nature of their relationship.
Knowing that she couldn’t help but be cautious.
She was simply trying her best to comply and do everything she could to avoid being cast aside.
Alicia slowly reached out her hand.
“Do you know? All I can do, and all I’ve done until now, is wait for you. Waiting endlessly, holding onto just your heart. That’s all there is."
“I…”
"It’s okay. If I can be by your side, I can live like that no matter what. But..."
“Please don’t lie when you’re with me.”
Even as she spoke those words, Alicia smiled.
With tear-filled eyes focused solely on Cabelenus, she made a determined effort to lift the corners of her lips.
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