"I could pretend not to know. I could just let it go. But if I did that, I know I would never be able to shake off the doubt."
“...”
“I don’t want to doubt you.”
Her head dropped helplessly, and strands of hair slipped down with it.
With her fingers clutching her skirt, Alicia lifted her head again.
She was afraid of knowing the truth, but she didn’t want to turn away from it.
“It was to protect you.”
“To protect me?”
“You’re too weak right now. That’s why I just needed something to shield your presence.”
"Was that the only reason?"
“Yes.”
“Lies.”
Alicia bit her lips hard to hold back her tears.
If only she hadn’t seen it, she might not have known — but now she was too familiar with this man.
Even if she tried not to see it, his lies were all too clear.
“If you only needed a shield, you wouldn’t have chosen the princess of the Christie Kingdom.”
“The Emperor arranged the meeting with her. And she...”
“She has what Your Highness wants. After all, she has magic.”
Alicia smiled bitterly.
Cabelenus reached out toward her, but her cold glare made his hand freeze in midair.
“Your Highness is the Grand Duke of Schwarhan. I’m well aware of that. It’s only natural for you to make choices for Schwarhan. After all, magic is absolutely necessary for this land.”
Alicia clenched her hands.
Schwarhan relied heavily on magic.
Knowing that fact, she understood why Cabelenus would feel a unique connection to the Christie Kingdom.
Cabelenus was the master of Schwarhan, and it was only natural for him to make decisions for the sake of the land.
But understanding with the mind and accepting with the heart were two different matters.
"I know you might misunderstand."
"Misunderstand? That’s not a misunderstanding."
It was deception.
Her eyes were rimmed red, but Alicia didn’t cry.
She just glared at Cabelenus.
“I’m sorry for not telling you. But there was no other meaning behind it. I just didn’t want to burden you with needless worry.”
Cabelenus lowered his body to meet Alicia’s gaze.
Alicia, unlike her usual self, was wary of Cabelenus like a cat bristling with raised fur.
Seeing this, the man inwardly became anxious.
“My promise to you will never change.”
“What promise?”
“I promised to take you as my wife, and for you to become the lady of Schwarhan.”
Cabelenus gently held Alicia’s hand, as if cradling it carefully.
He remembered how Alicia had shyly smiled whenever he held her hand.
“Don’t worry so much. In the end, this problem is just something that will pass. There’s no need for you to worry.”
“…How can I not worry about that?”
“Worrying won’t change anything.”
"It won't change, you say?"
Alicia let out a breath without realising it.
At first, she thought the emotion reflected in Cabelenus’s eyes was guilt — but it wasn’t.
What he truly felt wasn’t guilt, but anxiety.
Realising this, she felt as if her breath had suddenly caught in her throat.
“...Even if I had known beforehand, Your Highness would have been engaged to her anyway.”
“I know it can be upsetting. But this isn’t something to be emotional about.”
Cabelenus’s thumb gently stroked the back of Alicia’s hand.
The gesture was intended to calm her, but Alicia wasn’t in a state to care about such things.
“There’s no need to think about anything else. The engagement is just a formality. Your position won’t change at all.”
"There’s no way it wouldn’t change. No matter what reason you give, in the end, Your Highness lied to me, and because of that lie, I can no longer trust you blindly."
Alicia’s body trembled noticeably.
Her chest ached as if her heart had been ripped out.
She had treasured those feelings to the point of being overwhelmed, yet she resented that it was her lover, and no one else, who shattered them.
"The reason I wanted to live, the reason I ever wished for happiness — it was all because of Your Highness. No matter how much my world expands, everything began with you. So to me, you inevitably became the centre of my world."
Swallowing her tears, Alicia forced out her words.
If she didn’t say something, the tears would surely burst forth.
Ultimately, it felt like she would be forever swallowed up by the swelling sadness.
“I have nothing to offer you. So if you form the necessary relationship with the princess of the Christie Kingdom, I have no right to say anything. You are the Grand Duke of Schwarhan, after all.”
“Alicia.”
"But, at the very least, it shouldn’t have been like this."
Alicia exhaled a breath mixed with a sigh.
"I’ll say it once again. I never intended to do anything with the princess of the Christie Kingdom. And my desire to protect you isn’t a lie either."
"That’s not the point."
A bitter laugh slipped through Alicia’s clenched teeth.
"Then, what exactly is the problem?"
"…Your Highness still doesn’t know why I’m like this, do you?"
Alicia’s face twisted in pain.
She wished she hadn’t known. But once again, she could clearly see what Cabelenus was thinking just by looking into his eyes.
He truly didn’t understand her feelings.
“...Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re like this.”
“You don’t understand?”
Alicia’s voice trembled as she asked again.
From a purely practical standpoint, Cabelenus wasn’t wrong.
But from the very beginning, this wasn’t an issue that could be resolved by simply weighing the benefits.
It was an issue concerning the relationship between the two of them.
At least, that was how Alicia saw it.
“It was a mistake to lie to you, but I don’t believe I was wrong. Just by pretending, I was able to protect you and even get what I wanted, so it actually worked out in my favour. It’s not a bad thing. On the contrary, it’s a good thing.”
However, it seemed the man had a different view.
Alicia’s eyes distorted with emotion.
He was someone she knew better than anyone else, yet in this moment, he felt like a complete stranger — and that made her blood boil.
“If all you cared about was the benefits, then you shouldn’t have chosen me in the first place. No, even now, you should be with someone else—”
Before she could finish speaking, he grabbed her shoulder.
Alicia’s barely-held smile finally crumbled as she met his menacing gaze, one that looked ready to devour her whole.
“Don’t say another word.”
Cabelenus growled low, his voice tense.
Suppressing the urge to crush the shoulder he held was even harder than giving in to his anger.
Yet, he didn’t want to hurt her.
Even as rage surged to the top of his head, he clenched his teeth, afraid he might end up breaking that frail body with his own hands.
But that restraint was only possible because Alicia stood right in front of him.
Cabelenus’s eyes grew sharp with tension.
“Are you afraid of losing me, Your Highness?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did you do it?”
Alicia calmly pushed away the hand that held her shoulder and looked up at him.
Her eyes glistened with tears, but they held steady, resolute and unwavering.
“Your Highness once said you hoped I would become someone who could make my own judgments. And yet, you never truly treated me as such.”
“...”
“Your Highness must have secured what you wished through an engagement on the premise of marriage. You probably thought that as long as you got what you wanted under the pretence of protecting me, it was justified. But do you know what?”
She was never part of that decision.
Alicia smiled.
The corners of her lips lifted weakly, trembling as if they might collapse at any moment.
“When you made that choice, did you ever stop to think, even once, about how I might feel?”
“...”
“You, who always told me to be honest, secretly got engaged to another woman, and then even lied to me to my face. Have you ever once thought about how that would make me feel?”
The more words she forced out, the clearer her emotions became.
Alicia closed her eyes to calm the boiling emotions, then slowly opened them again.
The ash-grey eyes she revealed were sharp and fierce, like finely honed blades.
“I wish you had told me at least once. No, at the very least, when I asked, you shouldn’t have lied to me.”
“It’s not that I didn’t think of you. My desire to protect you was genuine.”
“If you forcibly give someone something they don’t want and call it a gift, does it truly become one? No, it doesn’t. That’s not a gift, but an act of coercion.”
It was strange.
The more her heart ached, the colder her mind became.
Alicia rubbed her eyes roughly and lifted her head.
Because she had blindly focused on just one thing and shaped herself around it, falling apart was all too easy. After all, if that one thing crumbled, everything else would collapse with it.
“I understand Your Highness’s position logically, but my heart refuses to accept it. Knowing that you chose another woman when it suited you — and that you lied to me — fills my mind with troubling thoughts.”
“You don’t need to think like that. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”
“It’s pointless. The trust between us has crumbled too much for me to believe what you say.”
Alicia pressed her aching eyes firmly with both hands.
Right now, she didn’t want to cry, no matter what.
“Please leave now. I don’t want to see Your Highness’s face right now.”
“It was unavoidable.”
“I told you — I don’t want to talk right now. I need some time to think.”
Cabelenus hastily approached Alicia.
But she no longer looked at him.
"The Christie Kingdom is highly guarded, so despite all our efforts, we haven’t been able to get what we want. If we miss this chance, who knows how much longer it will take?"
“...”
"Besides, your position is still unstable. That’s why, to protect you from those aiming for the Grand Duchess title, I simply thought it was best to keep you as concealed as possible."
“...”
"That’s all there is to it. So..."
Cabelenus reached out his hand, but Alicia still didn’t look at him.
She turned her head indifferently and looked away.
That fact nearly drove him insane.
“Let’s talk later.”
“No. Talk to me right now.”
“Even if we talk now, it won’t end well.”
“I don’t care. Say whatever you want to me, blame me. Honestly, that’s better.”
“I clearly told you — I don’t want to talk to you right now, Your Highness.”
Alicia coldly brushed Cabelenus’s hand away.
Cabelenus stared at her, his lips tightly pressed together.
Until now, Alicia had never refused his touch.
Whenever Cabelenus reached out his hand, she would shyly lean her face against it.
For him, this woman’s rejection was deeply unfamiliar.
“Alicia.”
“I’ll contact you once I’ve sorted out my thoughts, so please leave for now.”
“If I leave now, I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
“Good for you.”
He had hoped to find even the slightest crack in her resolve.
Cabelenus swallowed the emotions rising up in his throat and stared for a long time at the woman who had turned her back on him.
But Alicia never once looked back at Cabelenus.
・・・・・
“Leave me alone.”
“But it’s already been several days. At this rate, you’re really going to collapse.”
“I don’t care.”
"My lady."
“I don’t want to say any more, so please leave now.”
After being told to leave, Madame Morco had no choice but to comply and quietly exit the room.
Meanwhile, Alicia stayed under the blanket long after everyone else had gone.
‘…It hurts.’
Alicia barely opened her eyes, then soon closed them again under their heavy weight.
Though she tried to pull herself together, her body felt utterly wretched.
With every deep breath, hot air slipped through her lips, and her body was so weak that even moving a single finger felt like a monumental effort.
But she didn’t want to ask anyone for help.
Madame Morco was no different — she, too, took part in Cabelenus’s lies.
With that realisation, no one felt trustworthy anymore.
Alicia bit down hard on her lips to swallow back the rising tears.
The pain left her dazed, but in a way, she welcomed it.
At least that way, she couldn’t tell whether the pain was from her body or her heart.
‘How foolish.’
She instinctively started to curl up, then stopped herself and let out a breath.
She had thought she’d long since outgrown the habit of curling up like that, but apparently not.
With a short, bitter laugh, Alicia curled her body into a tight ball, like a pill bug.
It felt like she’d been floating in the sky, only to plunge into an abyss in an instant — she still couldn’t believe it.
‘Would things have been different if I were a proper princess?’
Alicia’s eyelashes quivered.
She knew that blaming herself wouldn’t change anything, yet she couldn’t stop.
Because somehow, blaming herself made it a little easier not to hate Cabelenus.
She squeezed her eyes shut even tighter.
Even now, she still loved Cabelenus.
And that made it all the more painful.
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