"But you were also his son, just like the Emperor was."
"To my father, I was only my mother’s son. He feared her, so he saw me as nothing more than someone who upheld her power."
The mother Cabelenus remembered was not a warm person.
She had never once nursed her young son or held him in a warm embrace.
Nonetheless, she was someone who truly suited the title of empress.
Born as the esteemed daughter of Duke Melta, one of the empire’s most prominent houses, she naturally became empress and never once forgot her position.
She was a woman who always stood with her back straight and followed through with her will, so much so that the image seemed almost deliberately crafted to suit her.
“If there were anyone who could be described as perfect, I believed it was my mother.”
“...”
“Though my father seemed afraid of such a mother.”
His father was the exact opposite of his mother.
Born a prince, he ended up on the throne by chance amid a power struggle between his older brothers, but he was far from being a man of power.
Although he maintained power as Duke Melta’s son-in-law, he was just as afraid of his father-in-law and felt burdened by a wife who closely resembled Duke Melta.
That was also why he became infatuated with Zerpheus’s mother, a dancer offered as tribute.
"The funny thing is, my mother loved a father like that. A man she never properly exchanged a single warm word with — and who loved another woman, no less."
“...”
“It was a predictable tragedy. My mother couldn’t forgive my father’s affair, and my father wanted to protect his lover and their son.”
His mother thought that her weak husband would quickly give in, but he did not.
He simply started building his own faction to make his lover the empress and her son the future emperor.
"Honestly, my father wasn’t a capable man. He was driven only by the desire to make my half-brother the emperor, completely unaware of what consequences that desire would bring."
“…May I ask what happened?”
“My half-brother’s mother was sacrificed as an example.”
“...”
“It must have started then — when my father became obsessed with golden eyes and began the experiments.”
The temple would not accept an emperor with green eyes and ultimately branded Zerpheus’s mother as a notorious harlot, condemning her to death.
And the one who sentenced her to death was none other than his father himself.
To escape the stigma of tyranny, his father personally drove his lover to death, and over time, he descended further into madness.
And that madness was turned toward those who survived.
Cabelenus closed his eyes tightly.
Even now, when recalling that day, he felt no emotion. But there was one thing he could never forget.
“It was an experiment that involved injecting the blood of a monster into the body. At first, it started with a very small amount, gradually increasing the dosage to build tolerance.”
“To build tolerance?”
“Yes. Many were sacrificed because of it, and among them were those who couldn’t control their power and went berserk. That’s why the shackles were created.”
“...”
“As soon as the shackles were completed, my father was the first to bring down my mother. Those whose powers ran wild didn’t live long, but they possessed immense strength.”
Cabelenus’s eyes became unfocused.
He could no longer recall his mother’s face.
Only a blurry image remained, like a sheet of paper soaked in water.
“My mother gave me to my father in order to save her people.”
“What did you just say? Who did she give?”
Alicia’s voice trembled noticeably.
"It was a rational choice. In a situation where everyone could’ve died, the problem being solved by sacrificing just me made sense."
“...”
"From that day on, I became one of the test subjects. And I remained the only one who survived while carrying the blood of the monsters."
In truth, most of his mother’s people died.
Cabelenus smiled bitterly.
His father didn’t keep his promise and gradually eliminated his mother’s allies one by one, draining her bloodline.
“That was my father’s own way of seeking revenge.”
“Revenge? That’s not revenge at all. More importantly, he targeted the wrong person.”
“Even then, he couldn’t defeat the temple. He probably needed someone to take out his anger on.”
“...”
“You don’t need to look at me like that. It’s all in the past now.”
Alicia’s fingertips stiffened.
The man’s calm expression, as if recounting someone else’s story, left her choked up.
"Just because it’s in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt."
"It doesn’t hurt. After the experiments ended, I could barely feel any emotions. I just try to recall the feelings I once had, so I don’t forget."
Even if he couldn’t recall her face, the look in his mother’s eyes when she demanded a vow remained vivid.
Cabelenus cautiously reached out his hand toward Alicia.
The hesitant fingertips brushed slightly against her damp eyelashes.
“When I saw you at Neustein Castle, you reminded me of my mother.”
The last time he saw his mother, she was smiling, drenched in her husband’s blood.
She was driving her sword again and again into the man she had once loved — the very man who had taken everything from her.
Casting aside the elegant image of an empress, she was letting out a desperate scream, revealing raw emotions as they were.
"Though your appearances were completely different, I think I saw a strong resemblance in how you both always held yourselves with a straight back, no matter the moment."
“Of course, not long after, I realised that you were a completely different person from my mother.”
Cabelenus murmured in a low voice.
"The one who killed my father… was my mother."
“...”
"And the one who killed my mother… was me. That was the first time I ever killed someone."
"…You killed her?"
“The shackle engraved on me is like that. Even if it’s an order from my dying father, it’s absolute, so I have no choice but to obey.”
The corners of Cabelenus’s lips drooped helplessly.
Back then, it wasn’t long after the experiment had ended, so his emotions still remained, and he was able to shed tears.
But now, that was no longer the case.
Even when he recalled his parents covered in blood, he didn’t even feel sadness.
He understood with his mind that it was a sad thing, but he couldn’t accept it with his heart.
“I’m different from others. Talking about this now doesn’t cause me pain — in fact, I just hope this story stirs your sympathy.”
Cabelenus’s grip tightened.
Amidst his dulled emotions, the only thing he felt clearly was Alicia.
He didn’t want to lose her, no matter what.
“Saying not to pity me is a luxury. Whether pity or compassion, in the end, they’re just a trigger, nothing more.”
“...”
“If you’re going to turn away from me, I want you to pity me. That way, I’ll have at least one more chance to see your face and talk with you.”
“…I don’t want to pity you.”
Alicia’s hand covered the back of Cabelenus’s hand.
She was struggling to hold back her tears.
“You’re looking at me with a helpless, pitying expression.”
“That’s not true.”
"..."
“I always thought you were a strong person. Someone who had it all and could accomplish anything with ease.”
Alicia lowered her head.
“That was prejudice. After all, you’re human too, but I shaped you into that kind of person and thought of you that way on my own. I’m only realising it now.”
“...”
"I have no intention of defending your wrongdoing. The words you said still remain as wounds to me. But, apart from that, I do regret it."
She wished they had talked a little more.
Alicia hastily clenched her fists to hide her falling tears.
But she couldn’t hide all the wet parts of her clothes.
“Now I can say it properly. We were never in love. I have never truly loved you even once.”
“...”
“Both you and I were too inexperienced to love someone properly. Things that are natural for others were very difficult for us, so we just ended up pouring out our feelings selfishly in our own way.”
In the end, Alicia couldn’t hold back the rising tears and relaxed her grip.
Only now did she seem to realise why she couldn’t forget Cabelenus.
It was because it was the first time.
They had only been driven by emotion and had never done anything properly.
“...Eight years ago, you were always a daunting presence to me. Compared to you, I had nothing and felt so insignificant, so I couldn’t help but be overly cautious around you.”
“...”
"Not knowing when you might change your mind, I was constantly anxious and thought of you more than myself. If I acted like this, you’d get tired of me. If I did that, you might lose interest in me — that’s how it was."
“There’s no way I would do that.”
“Even if that was the case, I wouldn’t have known. Your words and actions were the only things I could rely on.”
Alicia slowly raised her head.
The skin around her wet eyes was flushed red.
“What about you? What were you thinking back then?”
“…I was anxious.”
“You were anxious, too?”
“At first, you reminded me of my mother. After that, I saw myself in your longing for death. And then…”
“It's okay. Please go on.”
“…From a certain point onward, I wanted to possess you completely.”
Cabelenus’s hand settled gently on the back of Alicia’s hand.
Even in the midst of it all, their locked gaze brought him comfort, and each tear she shed made his heart throb.
“Until I saw you eight years ago, asking me to embrace you, I never even thought about it. I just thought it was something annoying, and that once I did it, that feeling would quickly disappear.”
That truly was a naïve thought.
A hot breath slipped through Cabelenus’s clenched teeth.
“If it were me now, I wouldn’t embrace you.”
“…So, do you regret it?”
“I’ve always regretted it, ever since the day I thought you were dead.”
Although it was impossible now, at the time, he thought it would be simple.
He believed he could quickly resolve things and get what he wanted, just like on the countless battlefields he had led.
His own curiosity came before any consideration for the humble princess of the ruined kingdom.
“That’s different from me. I’ve never once regretted that day.”
“...”
"That day, I cried to my heart’s content. Using you as an excuse, I let out all the emotions I’d forced myself to suppress. It was the first time I’d ever cried like that."
"You honestly..."
“Isn’t it strange? We spent the same time together, yet we were thinking such different things.”
Alicia gave a faint smile.
Cabelenus couldn’t bring himself to smile along with her and hung his head helplessly.
The corners of his eyes had gradually taken on a reddish hue.
"…If I had truly listened to your story back then, would it have changed anything?"
"Perhaps yes, perhaps no."
“I end up regretting it. You have always been that way to me — something irreversible. So even when I thought it was meaningless, I couldn’t help but regret it again and again.”
“...”
“When I think of you, I remember your crying face more than your smiling one.”
Cabelenus wiped the tears from the back of Alicia’s hand.
"You never had any greed. No matter what was given, you took it calmly and gave up quickly."
“It felt unfamiliar because I’d never had anything of my own before.”
“That really scared me. I was anxious that you might turn your back on me so easily, so I felt I had to achieve what I wanted as quickly as possible, even if it was just by one day."
“What was it that you wanted?”
“To keep the promise I made to my mother.”
Cabelenus’s eyes twisted in pain.
Even in her dying moments, his mother never bowed her head.
Instead, with a voice strained to its limit, she demanded vengeance from her son and hurled curses at her husband dying beside her.
She told him to give everything to Zerpheus — and the moment he became intoxicated by it and felt happiness, to take it all away.
“When my parents died and everything was wrapped up as if it had never happened, I didn’t know what to do. Everything felt meaningless, and I couldn’t tell what was right anymore.”
“...”
“So I tried to keep my promise to my mother. I thought that was the only way I could mourn.”
The body of a child who hadn’t even had their coming-of-age ceremony was weak.
Wielding a sword was difficult, and he nearly died on the battlefield many times.
Nevertheless, he stubbornly survived.
The longer he wielded his sword, the more accustomed he became to the scent of blood — and the more he became known for countless infamous deeds.
Even so, he felt nothing.
He lived with only one thing in mind — the promise he made to his mother.
That was the kind of life the man had learned.
“I’m not normal. And I probably never will be. The usual sense of justice that ordinary people talk about is different from mine.”
“...”
“But I want to try. I want to listen to your story and become the person you want.”
‘If only you would allow me.’
Cabelenus grabbed Alicia’s hand.
Alicia gave no response at all.
Instead, after a long silence, she moved her fingers and intertwined them with Cabelenus’s.
She knew that a few words wouldn’t be enough to end it all, but she couldn’t stop her heart from racing.
They had held hands, kissed, and spent countless nights together, sharing many moments — but today was the first time she truly felt they had genuinely connected with each other.
Translator's Corner:
I'm so glad Alicia and Cabel finally had a heart-to-heart conversation! (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )づ♡
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