・・・・・
I got permission to marry!
'Marriage...'
Was this always such an unreal word?
I idly rolled those two syllables around in my mouth for no reason and then rested my chin on my hand and stared blankly into space.
Felix had been avoiding me lately.
Judging by the timing, it was probably because of the topic of marriage.
‘Why, though?’
We clearly loved each other, so why did everything suddenly fall apart?
I really didn’t know why.
Sure, it was mostly my fault, but I admitted my mistakes and was trying to make things work.
Besides...
‘I had only just barely gotten permission to marry.’
I thought we’d immediately start planning the wedding and happily map out our future together.
But somehow, that all just fizzled out.
Could it be that Felix might not actually want to marry me after all?
‘It's not entirely impossible…’
Well, the situation had changed a lot since he was Walter.
I quietly muttered to myself and leaned my head against the wall with a gloomy expression.
At the theatre I was in charge of, rehearsals for the Harvest Festival performance were in full swing.
The orchestra was tuning their instruments, and on stage, the actors were busy marking their positions and running through their lines and movements.
Everyone seemed so busy and lively.
Only I was idle.
Just me…
I suddenly asked a few troupe members who had come over near me to take a break.
"What exactly is marriage?"
“Suddenly getting philosophical, huh?”
The troupe members looked puzzled by my sudden contemplative mood, but since I was their boss, they answered earnestly nonetheless.
“It’s about gaining another family who supports you. Someone you can trust to watch your back even in the heat of battle.”
One troupe member spoke with a voice full of dreams and hope.
"And they’re also potential traitors who could stab you in the back at any time."
Then another member replied with a look of worldly detachment.
“When you’re alone, you can’t know it, but marriage opens up a whole new world. You meet people who had nothing to do with you before, and through understanding, caring, and loving each other, you grow together.”
“But in the end, others are still just others. Overcoming trials and growing up is something you ultimately have to handle on your own.”
"Maybe it’s what we call the path to true adulthood?"
“If that’s what being an adult means, then I think I’d rather live as a child forever.”
“You two are talking about completely different things.”
I glanced between the hopeful and despairing views of marriage, replying with a somewhat reluctant tone.
It felt like I was hearing both the ideal and the harsh reality of marriage at the same time.
"Why talk about marriage all of a sudden?"
"I just… wondered if one would feel like running away whenever the topic of marriage came up."
At that moment, one of the troupe members, who had been expressionless the whole time, suddenly spoke up.
"That can happen, especially if you’re not sure about the other person."
“...”
The one who carelessly blurted out the outrageous comment got smacked on the back of the head and kicked in the shins by everyone.
But by then, all his words had already reached my ears.
My heart dropped with a heavy thud, and my mind shattered into pieces.
I stared blankly at the troupe member being dragged away, completely dazed.
"Ignore what that guy said."
“Haha, that’s right. No matter how much you love each other, when it actually comes to getting married, fear sets in. It’s no wonder people get pre-wedding blues.”
The troupe members pretended to scold the one who spoke recklessly, then quickly slipped away from me.
It was indeed nonsense. I knew that in my head. But…
‘Did I disappoint him?’
I took a moment to reflect on my past actions.
Honestly speaking, my priorities had always followed the rule: same gender over opposite gender.
And this was strictly true in even romantic relationships.
For example, if I had plans with Felix first, but on that day a lady showed up late, desperately needing my help…
‘I’d always end up choosing the latter, after all…’
He must have felt hurt enough already.
On top of that, my expressions of affection with female friends often went beyond what was normal in this world.
Those things just kept piling up, one after another.
‘In the end, did it finally explode?’
Cold sweat trickled down my back.
I wasn’t just imagining it; it truly felt like we’d never had a proper date, not even once.
‘Sure, we were both busy and never had a chance to go out together…’
Honestly, no matter how much Felix avoided me now, I knew that before long, he would act like nothing happened and treat me kindly again.
‘But that’s just burying it in his heart. It doesn’t mean it’s been resolved at all.’
He might be disappointed in me.
Because of that, cracks might have already formed in our feelings.
If this kept happening, our hearts might change, and someday we might grow tired of each other and break up.
‘Break up.’
I had never even imagined such a horrible future.
Sure, every meeting came with its parting, but damn it ᅳ I didn’t know anything about that yet.
Calm down.
Tearing my hair out and flailing around on my own wouldn’t get me anywhere.
If he really was disappointed in me, then I especially couldn’t just let things slide.
All the more reason not to.
He had always hidden, buried, and suppressed his emotions.
‘He was patient, considerate, and adapted to me in every way — from beginning to end.’
Felix had always been a saint, but with me, he showed even more patience. And that worried me.
Even if the two of us somehow made it to marriage, how long could it really last if it was built on one-sided sacrifice?
I concluded with a calm expression.
‘Let's make the first move.’
With gentle coaxing and soothing, I’d get him to spill everything he was thinking.
As soon as I left the theatre, I returned straight to the palace and made my way to the greenhouse to find that nameless flower Felix had once called beautiful in passing last spring.
・・・・・
Felix was someone who desired nothing beyond the most basic human needs.
Eating and sleeping were just duties he performed merely to survive.
He had never liked any object or living being enough to feel a sense of possession or attachment.
That used to be the case.
To him, Irene was a first in every way.
Maybe that was why it was so difficult.
Felix finally revealed the emotions he had deeply hidden at the bottom of his heart.
The emotions like obsession, possessiveness, or jealousy. Feelings that he had once despised and desperately tried to hide.
He regretted it.
It was a situation he would normally have endured and handled calmly.
The devil had long since left him, yet he still felt pathetic for being unable to resist the impulse.
Seeing her face made him feel like he would lose control again, so he just needed time to regain his composure and steady his emotions.
Felix picked up the flower petals scattered across the bed.
“...”
He looked down at Irene, gently breathing in her sleep, the bouquet resting on her chest.
‘She must have fallen asleep while waiting.’
On the bed sheets lay scattered flowers and his lover
His gaze slowly traced the pale thigh that peeked through, followed by the bare shoulder laid completely bare.
Then, he roughly grasped her defenceless ankle and gently stroked it.
With a darkened gaze, he alternated between tightening and releasing his grip.
A fleeting vision of crushing it exactly like this flashed through his mind.
‘The remnants of the devil. Or perhaps…’
Was this his desire?
"Mmm."
At that moment, Irene murmured softly and shifted her legs restlessly, as if uncomfortable.
Felix weakly released the ankle he had been holding.
Then, belatedly, he looked closely at the bouquet she held in her arms.
It looked familiar. It was the flower he had once casually called beautiful.
"Haaah..."
No matter how cruel and vile the impulses raging in his mind were, he still remained human.
He carefully cradled Irene in his arms and laid her down properly again.
Then, after pulling the blanket up to her neck, he gently patted her chest.
When he took the bouquet from her arms, he found a golden envelope tucked inside, sealed with the theatre troupe’s emblem.
Harvest Festival Theatre VIP Lounge Invitation.
Having grasped the entire situation, Felix gave a small smile and carefully folded the invitation, tucking it safely into his chest pocket.
Thinking of Irene, who must have gotten the tickets to lift his spirits, he couldn’t help but feel touched.
‘Did she think I was angry?’
Since he had avoided her without any explanation, it was understandable that she had misunderstood.
‘I made her feel like she had to walk on eggshells.’
He knew he had done something to be sorry for.
But since he had gotten into the habit of processing his emotions alone from a young age, even trying to explain himself left him at a loss.
There was no way he would dare to express his feelings raw and unfiltered, and if he tried to tone them down, it would probably come across as if he were whining.
That kind of thing was just a bit…
Moreover, Felix had already once claimed ownership in front of Irene like a child, saying:
“Whose lips are these?”
And that was deeply embarrassing.
He wanted to wipe that moment clean from both their memories.
Cooling his flushed cheeks with the back of his hand, he muttered softly to himself.
“I didn’t want it to seem like I was marrying you to tie you down.”
It wasn’t because he wanted to possess her, but because he loved her, because he wanted to be her eternal strength, to always be by her side, and to be together.
That was why he wanted to marry her.
But with his current feelings, he didn’t think he could do that well.
To put it simply, it was more accurate to say, “I couldn’t suppress the overwhelming urge to own you completely.”
That was why he avoided her.
This wasn’t something that could be casually wrapped up in the cute word ‘jealousy.’
"...What did you say?"
Suddenly, Irene’s eyes snapped open, and she asked.
“...”
Felix showed a rare, slightly flustered look.
He hadn’t expected Irene to wake, since she usually fell asleep the instant her head hit the pillow.
"Ah, when did I fall asleep?"
She blinked her heavy, sleepy eyes and stared blankly up at him.
It looked like she didn’t hear his quiet murmur at all.
"When did you get here?"
"...Just a little while ago."
“That’s a relief.”
Irene giggled softly and wriggled closer, wrapping her arms tightly around Felix’s waist.
It was a warm, almost fierce embrace — like she was binding him, making sure he couldn’t run away anymore.
“I’ll be your escort for the whole day of the Harvest Festival.”
"Escort?"
"I’m asking you out on a date."
Irene spoke with a playful tone, stretching out the ends of her words in a cute manner.
Felix looked down at her intently.
It was a side of her she rarely showed unless it was to another woman.
‘You’re still mistaken.’
He needed to properly explain that he hadn’t avoided her out of anger.
He really had to.
But he couldn’t understand why she looked at him with such determined eyes as if she had prepared so much for him based on a serious misunderstanding.
Felix felt his habitual kindness and patience begin to fade.
If she’d gone to all that trouble for him, wasn’t it only polite to at least acknowledge it?
"Alright."
He showed a somewhat twisted sense of consideration as he forcibly swallowed the smile that was about to surface.
"Please, escort me."
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